August 23rd, 2013 was my transfer date that gave me my Jack. Jim and I had experienced nothing but failure for almost two years so we didn't know what we were getting into with this. All we did know was that research had showed the success rate for FET is high and we were excited to finally get a chance to try one.
One of these pretty embryos ended up becoming our son....which one? We can only wonder :)
Ironically Jack was transferred on August 23rd and born on December 23rd. Meaning that today is not only the one year anniversary of the first moment he came to me, its also been 8 months since he was taken away as well.
Its a stormy day and I find that most days that have special meaning between Jack and I are stormy. Almost like he wants to tell me he's sad he's not here too.
There isnt a day that goes by that I dont think of my baby. I feel guilty for this baby growing now that I think about Jack far more than him/her. I'm working on that to try and find a happy medium but its so hard when I'm still so focused on what I lost vs. what I have now. Every day is a battle....
Another internal battle I'm facing now is the fear that since I only got exactly 4 months with Jack, I'm dreading November 18th as now I feel like this baby will leave me too. Its so hard to be optimistic and happy when all you know is sorrow and fear. Sorry to be a downer but being pregnant after a loss, especially one so intense, is definitely a life lesson I could have done without. I wish I could go back to last year when I'd read stories on the message boards of 2nd/3rd tri losses or stillbirths. I'd think to myself how awful and I'm glad that doesn't happen that often. Until it does happen to you.
Anywho..... happy 8 month birthday and happy 8 weeks gestation to our rainbow. Kiddo, you and me have a ways to go.
Happy belated 8 month birthday, Jack. Forever missed and always remembered.
ReplyDelete