Baby at the Theatre..... like Snakes on a Plane only worse!!!

Jim and I had a mini date night last night since he has time off this weekend and we never get to spend much time together. It started off great with some deep dish pizza from Giordanos. Nom nom nom.

Jim wanted to see a movie...last weekend we saw Godzilla so our choices were Xmen (jims choice), Maleficent (my choice) or A Million Ways to Die in the West (both of our choices). Well...somehow Jim's choice won out and we decided to go see Xmen.

We got our seats, watched some previews, the lights dimmed, YAY!!! the movie....aaaaaaand in walks a couple with their baby in its car seat and sits behind us.

I'm sorry.... huh?  You brought your baby ...to the Xmen movie?  That ends close to 11pm?? What fantastic parents I'm sure you're going to be.

Things to consider when you have a baby and want to see a movie....

#1) GET A FREAKING BABYSITTER

#2)  Can't get a sitter?  (no one available?  sitter cancelled on you? you cant afford a sitter?)  all perfectly understandable reasons and situations but then.... DON'T GO TO THE MOVIES

#3)  Wait for it on Netflix


Instead, these two lovely people ruined a movie for us. We had to listen to a baby talking and crying behind us and wonder why the F*** a baby was at the movies.

Ok, you want to go see Frozen?? Bring your baby.
You want to see the Lego Movie?? Bring your baby.

Xmen in a crowded theater on a Friday night ? LEAVE IT AT HOME!

Seriously, wtf is wrong with people!

Facebook go home , you're drunk

Seriously.... another early FFFC  (flame free Friday confession) ....  I used to be saddened by the copious amounts of baby pics and status updates. However, now I'm kinda finding it funny and cant wait to post all my lame pictures too. I better start now.... ya know, so no one misses anything good...  

 Caption:  Future home of Baby Payne #2!!

A part of me even feels like I should post ungodly amounts of inappropriate pictures in the delivery room when Jack's sibling arrives just to really really share.... give the people what they want right??But like Fat Amy said in Pitch Perfect...

Seriously one thing I've come to learn over the past couple years is... no one really cares. They say they do but they don't. Get a blog.  I did!  See how much better blogs are??    People can opt in or just never read it at their own choice!!   and those that read it you know actually do care.... there are SOME people out there that do I'm talking to you Sue LOL       :)


At any rate, those still reading the blog...because ITS A BLOGGGGG!!!! (sung like an opera singer)  here's the latest update:

Had the repeat HSN and there is still a white blobby thing hanging out in my ute so I'll have to have the hysteroscopy afterall. I was kinda po'ed that I wasted a week by repeating the saline but if I could avoid going under anesthesia I'd risk it. So...oh well I guess!!

To start the fun of inappropriate pictures, maybe I'll post this gem on the FB... its not mine but its kinda what I remember it to look like...

This is a picture of a fibroid (duh...caption) but the images I find for fibroid, polyp, and retained tissue all pretty much look similar. Dr. Oz thinks maybe its tissue and that's what was producing the HCG? Hmmm,  guess the suspense will just keep us Googling until next Friday!! If it is in fact just tissue, I should hopefully be on track still for a June FET. I'm on the BCP almost a week...BARF... I hate BCP....and then after the Hysteroscopy depending on results I'll get started on the Lupron. Woo. Hoo. I cannot... I mean, cannot wait for hot flashes in June in an already sweltering office. This is going to rock big time let me tell you!!

Pregnancy Preparedness

Since I've made it half way through a pregnancy , I am able to at least have some sort of an idea of what a future pregnancy might look like for me to prepare a little bit. I've started getting things in line, like...

#1.)  Picked up my Pepcid AC, Claritin, and Benedryl to begin my self protocoled  "antihistamine protocol". I'm not sure if this actually helped implantation and/or me to get pregnant with Jack but I'm superstitious and will be doing it again. I read about these protocols and I think Beer Center still does one but CCRM used to and don't anymore. Regardless... I have allergies and when I was actively seeing my allergy/immunology doctor (oh geez, that reminds me I need a new one of those too) , she had me on pretty much the same things every day anyways for my urticarial pigmentosa. Soooo.... its like the same thing :)

#2)  I'm starting to coupon for the following items:  Miralax, Colace, FiberSmart powder, etc..... you can draw your own conclusions as to what these are for. Let me just say this. I'm starting on this regiment BEFORE pregnancy even happens. Oh my... I cringe just thinking about how bad it was. Yikes.

#3) I've got my prenatals, Vitamin D, baby aspirin, and Lovenox stocked and ready to rumble.


Ok future baby out there....tell Jack you'll see him some day in the far far future and come home to me please!!!

Broken Wing

 

 

Driving around town today I heard "Broken Wing"  by Martina McBride. I normally crank this song because I love me some Martina, but today it made me think about how I as well seem to have a broken wing. Losing Jack clipped my ability to fly but even though I'm damaged I'm still singing and trying to learn to fly with broken wings.

 

Yesterday I heard back from my RE that my beta was finally negative. Its now at 2.76 which is good enough to move forward. They used the same sample from yesterday to run my E2, P4, and TSH today. Those all came back great (E2 was 46, P4 was .487, TSH was .9) so I'm starting the BCP tonight and have a Saline u/s on Tuesday. I guess my RE wanted to repeat it rather than do the hysteroscopy so I'm not going to argue, I just hope everything looks ok in there now that its had 2.5 months to sort itself out. Provided everything looks ok Tuesday, I should be set for a June FET.

 

I talked to the nurses earlier today about my labs but when I got home I saw they sent over the consent forms for my FET already and have created my flowchart on my patient portal. Oh god, this is really happening isn't it?

 

I'm a strange mix between excited out of my mind and freaked out out of my mind, I've never felt like this before. What if it doesnt work? What if it DOES work? Will I take a baby home this time? Will THAT baby die too? My heart can't handle another child leaving me so soon.... but I need to be an Earth Mom so bad that I'm willing to take that risk.

 

Speaking of risks, I decided to have the Counsyl test done afterall. I had the vial drawn last Thursday and it should be back in a week or so. I'm sure it wont show anything out of sorts but by chance it does at least I've got time and knowledge to decide if a fresh cycle w/PGD is warranted.

 

Oh life, its never easy and never cut and dry.

Wrote this a few weeks ago...

Just noticed it was still in draft form. I wrote this during a stormy day a few weeks ago.

My eyes are like the skies today
Pouring rain with a touch of grey
Storms that come and go as they may
My eyes are like the skies today

My eyes are like the skies this week
Holding heavens light that many seek
Strong enough but mostly meek
My eyes are like the skies this week.

My eyes are like the skies this year
Full of things we don't want to hear
Ruining everything we hold so dear
My eyes are like the skies this year

My eyes are like the skies in life
Full of hope with so much strife
Dashing and slashing like a knife
My eyes are like the skies in life

Preeclampsia 5k / Weekend in Review

The week last week itself was pretty uneventful, thank goodness. This weekend was full of busy bee-ness and I loved every single minute of it!!!

Saturday started out with a rude awakening from what began as a very comforting dream. I was on a grassy hill with my friend Jen, the one that passed away last August, and it was ridiculously bright out....yet I could see her just fine without squinting. Sometimes I've dreamt of those who have passed on but dreamt of them as they were living again. In this dream, I knew that she was gone and gave her such a big hug and told her how much I missed her. I always picture Jack being looked after by her and some small portion of me feels like maybe Jack was sent back to heaven so that she wouldn't be so lonely without her son who is still on Earth. I know that sounds crazy to think that way but if that were truly the case, it wouldn't really hurt so bad.... at least my son had some purpose albeit not on Earth with me. Anywho, in my dream I asked her where Jack was and how he was doing and wanted to know if she had him with her.....suddenly my dream switched off the hill and Jim and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when the New Lenox tornado sirens started going off. Instead of the weeeooo weeeeooo, it was a man's voice on a loudspeaker screeeeeeamming.... "TORNADO!!! TAKE COVER" and I immediately was jolted out of a sound sleep.

Later that morning I went out for breakfast with Jim, which is always a much better way to start the day  :)  After breakfast I headed out to the city for a "Bridesmaid Brunch" for my friend Danielle. Her Matron of Honor, one of her cousins, hosted the brunch and made us a FABULOUS meal. Not a brunch.. a meal!!!  Nom nom nom.... she's a good cook :)  We also had a few glasses of Prosecco with berries, OMG...heavenly indeed. We hashed out a few details but mostly just gabbed which is fun too :) Her cousins are so much fun to hang out with that I could have stayed all day/night if not for having my friend Sue with her husband, toddler and dog waiting for me at my locked up house!!

When I got home, my friends were waiting in my backyard. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I probably should have left a door unlocked or a key somewhere but... I sorry. It all worked out eventually!! Sue and I went to Portillos to get some dinner for us all and I got a cake shake but it was all shake and no cake....how disappointing!  It was nice that we were actually able to use the fold out portion of our upstairs couch this weekend for someone other than my parents which was exciting. More people should come stay with us, we've got the room!

So anyways.... now onto Sunday. That alarm on Sunday morning went off preeeetty early, let me tell you. We all headed up to Elk Grove Village around 7am for the Preeclampsia Promise Walk. I've been preparing for that day since February when Jim and I decided to do this 5k in honor of Jack. I thought it would be fun to create a team and see what we could do. My goal for donations was $500 and I really hoped that I would be able to meet the amount I set. Well... in donations alone I was able to raise over $1,000 and when you factor in the money raised from the 27!!!  teammates that I had , we collectively raised over $1,700!!!  I'm so amazed and humbled by the generosity of friends and family that donated or came out to support Jim, Jack and I. It was a fantastic day :)

The race itself was interesting.... they didn't have the turn around properly marked so we ended up meshing with a marathon going on at the same time. It ended up we walked about 4 miles instead of 3, which is fine except not everyone turned around at the 2miles mark. My best friend's sister and nephew ran the 5k and his nephew is so fast that he was one of the frontline runners and kept...on....running..... right into the marathon. His 5k wound up being a half marathon by the time a marathon runner found him and helped him back to our finish line area!! He REALLY jogged for Jack!!

After the race, they raffled off prizes and gave out medals. Two of my teammates placed in their age groups (I have fast friends/family!) and another teammate won a prize from the raffle!! They gave me a shout out for helping stuff the goody bags, that was nice of them, I enjoyed helping and I'll do it again next year....either run/walk it or volunteer, something , anything to help this cause.

Here are some pictures of our fun day!!

 

 

Song of the day

Enjoy this musical snack while you read today's blog post....   LOL   :)


Anywho...I'm bored. Oh, don't get me wrong I have plenty of things to do I'm just bored in terms of TTC. My life revolves around having a baby so now that I'm just kinda hanging out....I'm bored!!! I feel like I need something to do so, well, I created something to do.

As you probably recall, Jim and I decided against the Counsyl test because we didn't want to find more things wrong with us. The more I think about it and the more bored I'm getting.... Eff this, I'm having it done. What else do I have going on right?

Ok, yes that sounds insane to just have a test done just because but I do have reasoning behind this decision. After looking over the list of disorders they test for, while 97% are of no interest there are a few that I'd feel better about knowing. They are:

1) Long chain 3-hydroxyacyl-CoA dehydrogenase (LCHAD) deficiency -- the geneticist said back in February if a genetic disorder were to have caused the preeclampsia, this one could possibly have done it. Its rarer than a purple cow pretty much, but then again, so am I!

2)  MTHFR--- I've been told it would be extremely unlikely to have more than one clotting disorder but , see #1.  This disorder creates low levels of folic acid and can cause neural tube defects. Umm, hello Dandy Walker is a defect so lets test this!!

3)  PROP-1 --- this one is for my own amusement as my Endocrinologist believes I have this and is why I have the endocrine issues I do. They can't do anything about it, but at least I'd know they were right or not.

4)  Joubert's Syndrome--- I read that this syndrome can cause low set ears. Jack had low set ears but since he was chromosomally normal we cant determine why.

There are tons more that they test for but these four I'm very interested in especially. I've also made an appointment for a consultation with the MFM that saw us originally and gave us the DW dx in December. I want to meet with her before getting pregnant again to see if I'm ok with being under her care in a future pregnancy. Other people have said that I should forgive her for not being concerned with my BP when I was at her office....we'll see!

I talk to angels

I'm pretty sure this is actually a song about a drug addict  (LOL) but its been stuck in my head last few days. I talk to angels.... my little Jack is one :)

Jack's EDD video

Balloons for Jack

Since Jim and I will be spending Jack's EDD downtown to celebrate his day....we're releasing our balloons today instead.

We decorated them with stickers and a link to our blog....hoping they will bring a little light and joy to someones day today.

If you found one of our balloons we hope you will comment here :)

Went to the Dentist!!

I haven't been to the dentist in , oh I don't know.... 2 years?!?   Thanks to my lovely clotting disorder and needing to be on Lovenox for , oh well how bout that.....2 years!!!!  Since no baby and no IVF/FET on the horizon it was most definitely time to get the chompers checked out.

I've been cursed with bad gums on both sides of the family and have already had gum scaling done about 10 years ago. I was really nervous to go back after being gone for so long.... I could just picture the Dentist saying something like , "Well Ms. Payne, you have a gingivitally sensitivity disorder and we're going to have to do a full gum transplant" LOL ok maybe that's a bit dramatic but the way things go with me lately who knows right?!? 

At any rate.... I have some beautiful chompers and nothing to worry about!!  They are showing the signs of not having seen a dentist in 2 years though but the Dentist said he wouldn't have guessed it was THAT long by looking :)  

Finally ... a doctor that DOESN'T find something wrong with me!!!

International Bereaved Mothers Day

Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day... and also Infertility Survival Day. How ironic that I'm celebrating both today this year.

 

Today also marks one week to Jack's EDD. I hear the anxiety of the day is worse than the actual day which I'm very hopeful is true. I'm very anxious and want to skip next Sunday altogether. Honestly I dont see how even when I have a child how Mothers Day will be the same. I don't want to ever ever, acknowledge Mothers Day ... EVER.

 

On that note, I better get going...I'm helping stuff goody bags for the Preeclampsia Walk on the 18th. It'll be nice to meet the people coordinating this event and helping work for such a great cause. I'm very honored to be a part of this event so this is something more but little that I can do.

 

Peace, Love and Hugs to my fellow Angel Mommas. Our babies may not be on this Earth but they will be ours to love and cherish forever.  <3



 

 

 



Preeclampsia Awareness Month

May is Preeclampsia Awareness Month!!

I cant believe its May already.... when we signed up for the Promise Walk back in Jan/Feb I kept thinking to myself how far away May was. I'd think of all the bad things I'd have to get past in order to get to May.... milestones of my pregnancy, friends having babies that were alive, working through my boss' maternity leave, dreading the baby shower and birthday party invitations in the mail /Facebook....  I just thought, if I can get to May then everything will be ok.

Not necessarily true.

I find myself in an upward spiral when it comes to "Dealing" with this. Where as I first assumed that once we got past Jack's EDD things would be ok, I'm starting to think I was wrong. For the first time I caught myself thinking something a little "funny"? I guess. I saw a woman jogging down my block with a jogging stroller and the thought that went through my mind without realizing it was, "This is going to bother me so much more next month". How true... lately I've been mourning the loss of my pregnancy with Jack. After May 11th, I'm moving into the should have been "___ weeks, months, years" stage and its never going to end. I'm always going to "should have had a ___ " that day and no matter how many days, weeks, months, or years go by nothing will change the fact that Jack will always be a should have been.

We've been attempting to prepare ourselves for another FET and have encountered roadblocks when it comes to my hcg levels. My RE has labeled me as "quiescent trophoblastic disease" , which is a quiet or inactive version of the GTD that I was afraid I had. Supposedly this likely will resolve itself which I'm hopeful that it does, but it also means a big delay on a FET. Maybe its a sign that its too early to start trying again anyways.... the doctors never really gave me a definite answer of when we could try again but probably a few extra months couldn't hurt.