Ferris Wheel stops here...

I've been equating my grief to a ferris wheel the past six weeks. Starting on the weekend, mostly Sunday/Monday is when I've felt the worst. Rightfully so... Sunday is my ticker change when the gestational age would have increased a week. Monday was the day we lost Jack. Between Tuesday and the next Sunday its like a ferris wheel that goes up and around until it comes full circle back to its lowest point on Sunday and we start all over again. I just start feeling good and its the weekend again.

Through talking to a grief counselor I've come to notice there are other triggers that are making this process difficult. I've been trapped inside on these weekends because of the weather which is only adding to my anxiety. I want to get out and keep busy but I cant and have to sit and stew.

I've mainly had a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this.... People that I thought would have reached out to show emotional support haven't really been around and those who I wouldn't expect it from have. Even to just send a sympathy card or send me a text to say I'm so sorry. Don't get me wrong, we did receive a lot of support in general but it was surprising where it came from. Some aspects of it was really starting to bother me and I think that made things worse when I just have nothing to do but sit on the internet in the quiet of my living room. However, I'm starting to realize that I already know who really cares about me, Jim and Jack. And I can't keep spending time over stupid bullshit wondering if people really do care about our loss and if Jack is being forgotten because its driving me insane. The ferris wheel stops here.

Sure, there are going to be days where I'm overcome with my grief but I'll be damned if I let that type of stuff fuel the fire. I need to be a functioning human being or everything else will fall apart...relationships, my job, etc. I miss my Jack so much with every passing day, its so hard and no one, NO ONE gets it. Period. I've accepted that much. All that matters is that Jim and I keep his memory alive, who gives a crap with everything else.

On a happy (ier) note ... I had my 6 week follow up appointment with my new OB/GYN. I've been cramping and bleeding free for the past week but it started up again last night. She says its my period. I doubt that , but ok whatever, she's the doctor not me. She also said she was pleased with my 126/84 pressure reading even though I've been off the medication completely for two nights, so unless it spikes again I'm done with medication.

She told me that physically I'm able to start trying again at the 3 month mark. Emotional wise, I'm not so sure but we'll see. It really depends on the results of Jack's autopsy, which I might add have STILL not come in yet. I called again today and was told they had an over abundance of still borns in the last month and they have been very busy with autopsy results. Just hearing that made me tear up. There are an over abundance of other moms out there just like me probably calling repeatedly trying to find out why their little babies died too. This just isn't fair.... I was teary for me but more so for them.

Basically I don't need to see her again until I'm pregnant again. She does have a few MFMs that she works with very closely. One of which was the hospital in which Jack was born. Bad memories for sure but at least they'd be familiar with my situation. I had an appointment with an MFM at Northwestern for next month, but I think I'll cancel it and stay with the other hospital. My new OB will probably have me coming in every other week starting from the beginning. So much for being a normal pregnant woman. At least Jack gave me 19 weeks of normalcy, thank you for that. Depending on how my 2nd pregnancy goes it may increase to weekly appointments sooner but she would play that by ear.

Also, to wrap up, literally, I bought a baby blanket in memory of Jack. I could use something soft and warm to cuddle with at night since Jim is working and I'm home alone. Plus, when Jack's sibling is born someday I can pass the blanket on to them. Here is a picture of it... I hope its as cute in person as it looks in the picture!!

Dream

I've pretty much spent my entire weekend sleeping.

Yesterday I woke up...stayed awake a few hours....then took a three hour nap on the couch. I thought Jim and I were having a date night but that is next weekend. I'm seriously having issues with remembering even simple details, its driving me insane.

Anywho... during my nap I had a bizarre dream. Basically I was in a house and they had a possum loose. I tried to escape by locking myself in the bathroom where the bathtub was running and overflowing. Here's what I found on a quick internet search for dream meanings, pretty spot on....

Bathtub
To dream of an overflowing tub indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by some situation.

Possum

Dreaming of possums, which are nocturnal animals, suggests that you don’t want anyone to see you. You feel like hiding out and being by yourself, and if anybody tries to get too close, you’ll attack and they’ll be sorry.

One month angelversary tomorrow

Its hard to believe tomorrow will be one full month since my Jack came into and out of my life.

Praying for strength on the first of many days to remember.

Miss you sweet baby.

Since you have a silly mommy, hope the blog readers enjoy a sappy 80s video :)

4 weeks ago...started with goodbye

 

Today while trying to drown out the baby talk in the office with my Pandora, I happened to come across this song for the first time. I really am connecting with it today as I feel like it speaks to where I'm at right now.

 

Jack Jack, you know I'll always love and miss you but I think we're going to be ok. It hurts me to hear your Daddy say how much he misses you too but you are teaching us each day to be strong.

 

You'll always be our baby and we love you so much.

Jim saw it too.... so I'm not crazy

Today was the productive day that I've been craving for weeks. I slept in but when I woke up, I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. I clipped my coupons and made a shopping list....and actually left the house to shop. I made stops at Target for dog food ($5 in coupons off on Chesney's dog food!!!!), went to Michaels and bought the rest of the supplies for Jack's scrapbook plus some paint to finish his canvas I started. I then went to Jewel (I hear another polar vortex is coming this time I'll be prepared!!), followed by Walgreens and CVS for the deals of the week to add to my stockpile.

When I got home, Jim was awake and headed to the gym. After he brought all the things upstairs for me, we kissed goodbye and I started putting away the groceries. Some things go in the basement, some in the bathroom upstairs, and the rest in the kitchen. While I was in the basement organizing my purchases from today I just got the urge to sing and started belting out what I used to sing to Jack all the time on the car ride home from work. The Band Perry's "Don't Let Me Be Lonely". I was feeling really good today, in a better mood and in a better place and was really enjoying the alone time to belt out my sad sad country song even though it makes me happy.

I went back upstairs to the kitchen to finish putting away the groceries when I happened to notice out the window that the clouds were being touched by the sun and turned a bright orange color. It was so beautiful that I felt compelled to take a picture, except the flash from my phone was reflecting off the windows so I stepped outside. After I took the picture, I realized the cloud looked like a baby....  at least I thought it did. I showed it to Jim and just said it was a picture of the cloud but didn't say anything more. He looked, and looked, and then said "It looks....like ...a baby?!". So now I know I'm not imagining it. I thought maybe I was praying for a sign from my Jack so hard that I was making my eyes see things. However, if Jim sees it too maybe it really is there.

Today was the first journal entry I wrote... I thanked Jack for letting me know he's out there.

Don't mind me...

I'm feeling a little manic these days. One minute I'm fine the next I'm bawling. Little things will set me off to where I can't get myself together. I spent the better part of last night in a near breakdown mode all for something stupid.... it was something to get upset about sure, but not to that degree.

Today was supposed to be an errand day and I'm failing at getting myself in the shower and leaving the house. I ran a full bathtub of water....stared at it and ended up draining it and going downstairs to have some Cookie Crisp instead. I should be leaving soon for my cousin's birthday party and so I guess I'll be going to the party in my pajamas. I'm sure that my family understands, but still.

Tomorrow should have been 24 weeks. V-day aka viability day. I fear that each weekend is just going to give me something new to cry over. Its an unrelenting cycle. Utterly depressed on the weekend, a little better Monday when I go back to work, feeling good by the time Friday rolls around, then repeat. When does this end? I know I'm not going to ever not be sad about this but I just want my life back. No more terrible headaches, no more cramping, no more bleeding, no more crying on the expressway coming home from work.

The part that makes me say I'm manic is that interspersed in between my sorrow are moments of wanting to try this again. I'm feeling like I'm mourning two things, the loss of my baby and the loss of being able to be a parent. If I can't have the first then maybe someday I can have the second. Daydreaming about being a mommy again makes me feel guilty though. Guilty that I'm leaving Jack behind and that I'm not being a good mommy to him that I can forget about him so soon.

"Hey Jack"

I always thought that Jack would have been a Beatles fan. You may get a snicker out of that but here's my reasoning, as silly as it sounds. I, am not a Beatles fan....yet throughout my pregnancy I kept randomly waking up in the morning singing "Hey Jude". Strange huh? Whats even more unusual is that now that Jack is gone, I keep hearing it on the radio all the time now. Also, Jim and I went to dinner after our counselor appt. tonight and it was playing in the restaurant.

This morning before I left for work, I opened the door to his room and said "Good morning baby, momma loves you". It felt good to speak to him out loud but still so lonely because no one is there to answer me. The past three and half weeks I've been hoping and praying for signs that my baby is out there and watching over me. Maybe this is his way of making a connection. I think I'll change the name of the song to "Hey Jack".

Wordless Wednesday

My son...

I uttered those words out loud today for the first time. Unfortunately it was to ask for the pathology report for his death.

Telling the person on the other end of the phone that I was calling for my son's pathology report seemed strange on so many levels.

First of all, I was still only coming to terms with my infertility and the fact that I was having a baby and was having a son. Secondly, I'm in the process of coming to terms with the fact that he's arrived.

Having to tell someone anything about my son just seems like I'm making up a story.... I have to keep reminding myself, you have a son its the truth, but the truth is that he's gone.

On a positive note, I had a good day today. I'm going to call today "No Tear Tuesday" since I was able to go the whole day without spilling one tear. I even sang in the car on the way home from work like I used to sing to Jack. Maybe if I sing loud enough he can hear me where he's at.

Jack's Memorial Video

TBS?? (Throw back Sunday?)

http://whereisbabypayne.blogspot.com/2013/01/15dp3dti-wanna-poas.html

Here is my blog post from this day last year. Its funny how things change so much but not really. Last year this time was day 1 after my (what was soon to be) my 4th failed IVF cycle. It threw me into such a whirlwind but luckily that whirlwind led me to my current RE which gave me my Jack. I'm hopeful that this whirlwind I'm in now will lead me to something just as wonderful in time....

5 years today!

Jim and I met/had our first date 5 years ago today. For those of you who don't know us, we met on eharmony and were matched right before Christmas, on December 27th I think. Our eharmony process went quick, as did our relationship. There hasn't been one day, no matter how mad we are at each other, that we haven't talked.

The night of January 6th, 2009 was a long, long day. In addition, the weather was pretty similar to how it is today....snowy, cold and awful. I used to work downtown and the commute back to the suburbs was pretty grueling. Not to mention, I had had a string of bad dates off of eharmony over the few weeks before our date. I wasn't really in the mood after my day to sit through another stupid date. Of course, looking back on that night I'm glad I decided to go.

Jim showed up with a can of beer and calla lilies. I love telling people that Jim brought me beer on our first date, LOL We both were beer drinkers and not just Miller Lites but actual good beer. He told me in our first few conversations about a beer he used to drink when he lived in England....that was the beer he brought me.

We pretty much closed down the restaurant. Our waiter kept coming back to our table asking if we wanted another beer so that we could sit there another hour, LOL. Finally we decided since we were the only people left in the place we'd leave. While we were in the restaurant it started snowing. Such a gentleman, he cleaned off my car first. I knew it right then I was in this for the long haul. Before he went back to his own car, he gave me a kiss goodnight. We had made plans for date #2 the next night. I met my future MIL that night and the rest is history.

He moved in with me 7 months later, we went ring shopping/I picked out my ring 9 months later, and we were engaged on our one year anniversary which would then also be 4 years ago today as well. We were married that year just 10 months later and although things have been really tough on us as a couple the last few years, there's no one else I'd rather have to lean on (and vice versa) through all the chaos.

Here are a few of my favorite pics of us over the years....and in no particular order since I can't figure out how to move the pictures LOL.

My new jam

 

 

I officially feel like an old woman saying this but.....omg, they're children!!!  I'm in no means a fan of this band but I really like this song and I feel like I'm frozen in time with the story of my own life. The song kinda makes me sad but picks me up at the same time...strange.

Week 2

Last Thursday was a stressful day. I went back to work and had 545 emails waiting for me...thank goodness it was only a 1/2 day. Plus after work, Jim and I met the grief counselor for the first time. It was more of a get to know you session but I think I like her and I hope she can help us move through this all.

Chesney had a ruptured anal gland and had to be sedated to have it repaired. Poor little cone head furbaby...

 

And in other news....as of this morning I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight of 143. <sigh> Its depressing how quickly my body returned itself to normal as if Jack was never in there. However, positive thinking at least I dont have to do extra diet or exercise :)

Email from hematologist

I either love my doctors or I hate them... My Hematologist is on the love end of that spectrum. Matter of fact, I lurve him almost as much as my RE.

Since I'm home alone with nothing to do but watch reruns on TV, my bored curious mind takes me to Dr. Google, who I hate.

I've been trying to make sense out of what happened to Jack and the best way I know how is to try and hypothesize for myself. I've found a lot of interesting articles stating that FVL , and being heterozygous, increase your chances for early onset preeclampsia. Also a few other clotting issues such as ACA (anticardiolipin antibodies). You all know I have FVL but I pulled my labs from 2009 and was surprised to see my ACA were slightly elevated. Wtf. I emailed my Hema. and told him what happened and asked what his thoughts were on the matter. As of now, I've sort of convinced myself that Jack's Dandy Walker was a coincidence and not related to the pre-e. He is so fast, he already responded basically stating what I've read online that its a possible reason but pre-e is under exam and no one knows the real reason what causes it. Basically I should get the ACA retested and if they're still elevated, when we do decide to try again, they'd probably have me on a baby aspirin as well as Lovenox.

Except wait... I started out on baby aspirin but discontinued it once I went to the OB. Now I have all these crazy thoughts... If I kept taking it would Jack still be here? Were the two things related or not? Could he have been fine or would he still have disabilities if the pre-e never happened? This is all just maddening.

I'm hoping our autopsy comes back soon. I know it sounds crazy but I hope they can tell me definitively it wasn't something I did or didn't do to cause Jack to not be here now. Fat chance but in hopeful.

"Everything will come your way"

Jim and I had Chinese food for dinner tonight and that was my fortune. I wish it were a little more specific. I mean, everything??? Everything of what??? I already feel like everything is coming my way, I'd prefer it stay where its at!! Not to mention our loss, but our fridge/freezer broke in the garage and all the freezer food is ruined. Plus, Chesney may have an exploded anal gland and has to go to the vet tomorrow. Ugh, yes this sure feels like everything is coming my way already.

Tomorrow I'm going back to work....just half days tomorrow and Friady but I'm nervous. I'm nervous about having a bp spike, or a panic attack or just a bad day in general. I'm also nervous about my email inbox. When I came back from vacation after 6 days off my inbox had over 600 emails. Well....this will be my 10th day so lord only knows whats waiting for me when I get there. I almost need a full day to catch up but I'm not physically nor mentally prepared for full days yet. Monday at earliest will have to do.

Tomorrow after work we also have our first appointment with our grief counselor. I'm nervous about that as well. I have to relive my story for someone else. The only good thing is that its both Jim and I so if its too much for me we can switch off. I'm hoping this woman is good and she can help bring us some peace. When the clock struck midnight last night I couldn't help but cry. This was supposed to be the year....the year I don't have to worry about IF treatments, the year I have a child, the year our parents get their first grandchild. Instead we're talking about doing another fresh IVF sometime this summer, PGD on our embryos, genetic testing on us both, and trying this whole crazy thing again within the year....provided my health returns to normal of course.

Sometimes I just feel like my wheels are moving but I'm stuck and going nowhere.