Deja vu

Remember how last year my Endocrinology office kept delaying everything?? Well...they're at it again.

I wanted to see the actual Dr. but now I'm dealing with the fellow who doesn't have a clue again. I need to schedule this stim test but she says I have to come in for a consultation first before even being allowed to schedule it. So now....I'm delayed because I'm going to have to take 2 days off work and will have to space them out so they're in different pay periods since I have no vacation time. Not only that but its my 2nd week and I'm already telling them I need 2 days off work.

Seriously...

Anywho, here a link to the super fun stim test info
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003377.htm

Halfway to my 200th post....

Somehow I'm thinking this blog will be well over 200 posts before it turns into a pregnancy blog...

So the first week of my job is over thank goodness. I'm waiting for my new computer to come in so I've been sitting at whatever desk is open. Most of the time it was the PT girl's desk. Her cubicle is plastered with pictures of her 19month old son. Nothing like dozens of baby pictures to distract me from my work!! Also, one of the managers I haven't met is/was pregnant and was in labor so the office was shouting updates back and forth....including "Baby's out" when she was born and "Awwwww" when they were passing cell phones around since the manager texted a picture. Oh boy....long week.

I've officially completed my first month post BFN of our short IVF break. The feeling like I'm forgetting to do something is slowly fading. Matter of fact, I'm concerned about when I start up again getting the energy to get back to it!!

I'm going to have to call the Endocrinologist tomorrow and set up my Growth Hormone Stimulation test. I'm not really looking forward to having that done but I'm hoping it comes back as positive and they can give me a potentially helpful solution to improving my egg quality. I've spent this morning on my new RE's website browsing their donors. While its kind of "fun" shopping for an egg (LOL) its also really depressing. When you read their histories and they say they plan to start their families in 2-3 years once they buy a house or whatever and you can't help buy get teary eyed. I had those plans too but they aren't coming true for me and they most likely will come true for them. Well, I'm hopeful I don't have to face that decision. Its financially and ethically daunting to try and decide to go with DE and which donor to pick. I'm praying that I have AGHD and they can give me daily HGH injections for a few months and then my 4th IVF cycle will be my winning cycle. All I keep thinking to myself is...."Next year this time I will be pregnant" and it helps a teensy bit to get me through.

Anywho....I havent posted a crazy dream in awhile so here's a good one for you....  

Night before last I dreamt there was a komodo dragon in my backyard. At first I was like, Ehhh oh well he'll go away, but then I realized my friend Amy was in the backyard too. Fortunately the dragon didn't see her....but she didn't see the dragon either. I slid open the sliding glass door and tried silently motioning to Amy to run towards the door. She didn't see me but the dragon finally saw her and starting heading her way. I was yelling and screaming and then I woke up...hmmm.

I looked up what some key symbols mean and found this:

"Komodo Dragon -
To see a komodo dragon in your dream means that you need to be more flexible in your thinking or decision making. Your agility and stealth will get you what you want. You also need to take advantage of the opportunities presented to you. Alternatively, a komodo dragon symbolizes genuine fear. "

"Backyard
To dream about your backyard represents your childhood memories or your subconscious. Alternatively, dreaming of your backyard refers to the secrets you are keeping. There are some aspects of your life which you want to keep hidden and out of the view of others. The dream also represents some aspect of your life that you have taken for granted. Consider also the phrase "not in my backyard." In other words, everything is okay as long as it does not happen to you or occur in your own home. The condition of the yard is also symbolic of how well you maintain and balance aspects of your life."

"Friend
To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.�To dream that your best friend is dying suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying within your own self. "


I feel like this was a symbolic dream of my struggles with infertility that just happened to manifest in a weird and twisted way. My friend Amy has the quality of hope and joy...she's newly engaged and I'm sure looking forward to starting a family shortly after she's married. I miss that feeling when I first got married 2.5 years ago, where now I'm only left with jealousy and anguish. However, since I keep it to myself my true dark and deep seeded feelings the backyard portrays that true feeling. Its my secret to keep on how awful I really feel and sometimes it really hurts but I put on a happy face and deal with it. The dragon shows how fearful I am. Not only that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings with one of the many spiteful things that I say or do without thinking....but that I'm never going to have a child....or that I'll have a child but those feelings won't go away towards women who didn't have trouble conceiving. Its so hard to be happy for others when you're so sad inside.

On that cheerful note, I have to put my happy face back on soon for a dinner at my IL's house. We're having dinner with the family and my soon to be SIL's parents. Why? I don't know.

Funny but not IF related...

My boss asked me to come in at 7am today to learn how to open the office. Well...I got there at 6:45am and the girl I was shadowing wasn't there yet. I waited until close to 7am and when she still wasn't there, I decided to go in and get a cup of coffee and wait for her. Um yeah, except no one told me the office had an alarm.................

Needless to say, I ended up standing in the hallway waiting for the girl to show up. When she got there she was greeted by me standing in the door waving my arms frantically for her to hurry up. She turned the alarm off and it seemed like we did it in a timely manner, until the cop showed up............

LOL aaaaaaaand needless to say that was an embarrasing explanation but we sorted it all out and he left. The rest of the day was spent showing the other new employees how to turn the alarm on and off. Ha.

First day of the new job!!

Today I started my new job. By lunch time I had been asked by 3 people if I had kids. Honestly...I was so excited for a new job that I never even prepped myself for being asked these questions. That is one thing that is really nice about working at home for yourself, avoiding those questions. The first girl that asked I said, I'd like to have kids but we haven't been lucky enough yet. She told me to relax and it'd happen ::sigh::  Then the male CSR asked me (yeah weird) and I just plainly said no not yet. He said he and his wife decided to start trying and that he was 25 so it was about time they had a baby  ::sigh::  The third girl asked me and I just said "Nope!" and changed the subject, LOL

Besides that the job went pretty good today. I had a migraine flare up when I first got there but luckily I had my new migraine meds with me!! Oh btw....I called my neurologist and asked for some rescue drugs since we're on a TTC break. Good thinking since they came in handy today. It was kinda boring working today since I had to just sit and watch everyone but I think I'll like this job :)  I'm looking forward to getting the copy of the benefits, maybe tomorrow I'll get that. Regardless...they have a flexible spending plan I think we should take advantage of....those things come in handy!!

Last night Jim and I went to our first wedding of the season. It was for a coworker and he and the bride have a baby already together. I thought it'd be a less depressing function since I wouldn't have to worry that the new bride would have a baby before me....since she already had one before she was married. That theory is incorrect. True, she already has a baby but the baby was at the wedding consequently. This little girl was maybe 18 months old so she was walking around. During the 1st dance, Father Daughter, and Mother Son dances the little girl wandered onto the dance floor and was picked up and joined in on the dancing. ::Cue waterworks::

Honestly, I don't know if its month after month of high hormone doses but I'm a crier now. I never was an emotional person. Now? I started tearing up on the way to work this morning listening to some song on the radio I can't recall now but it had nothing to do with IF or babies just a sweet sad song. OMG, I'm losing it.

I guess today is CD25...

I'm going to try and keep track and see how many CD's come before I cave and just ask someone...anyone...to send me some Provera. Hmmm....actually I wonder if I have any refills from my online account at Walgreens. I'm going to have to check because maybe I can just doctor myself in between cycles :)

I'm hopeful that AF will at some point in my life just show up on her own but the liklihood of that is slim to none. I was having some AF like symptoms but , hmph, they're gone!

I've been taking my temps just for shits and giggles and they are crazy. I plugged my info into Fertility Friend and it said "Ovulation Not Detected". Well, duh. One morning its 97.4 and the next its 96.2 then back up to 97.4 then back down to 96.2....WTF body, regulate yourself!!

Anywho...new job starts tomorrow and I'm super excited. I'm curious to see what sort of health insurance they offer. Wouldn't it be great if they covered DE??? I'd be like hellz yeah take my money monthly from my check for some of that!!! I'm not quite that lucky though so we'll see tomorrow I guess!

I'm worried about going back to work. I haven't been in the "office scene" for 2.5 years and I'm scared about making new work friends :(     Plus I'm worried about getting things done for myself on a personal level now that 10 hours each day is consumed with traveling to and from work and working during the day. It's going to be tough thats for sure. Jim's not going to be much help because he sleeps all day then goes to work so that leaves me for cleaning and shopping. I'm also going to have to convince myself to either get up at 5am to go to the gym or to come home/eat dinner and go back out to the gym. I think if maybe I allot 2-3 days a week after work to working out for maybe 45min-hour thats enough to get the weight off and not too much that I'm going to slack on my committment. Well....we'll see how that goes, LOL

Ok well off I go...wedding season starts tonight and I must prepare myself!!!

Phone call/Records/Weigh in/ AF.....Whaaaa?

I get a call from the office where I had my first consultation....the one who up and left.

Anywho...the nurse was calling to tell me that in looking over my records they noticed I was a carrier for Spinal Muscular Atrophy!!!!!!!!!!  I mean, WTF?!? 

Needless to say, I was astounded and perplexed because I had the labs drawn how long ago? And no one at my RE's office told me????

At any rate, in the course of our conversation, she realized she read the test results incorrectly and that having 2 copies of the SMN1 gene (which I have) means I'm NOT a carrier but that I do have a slight possibility that I'm a carrier. Now they want records from Jim's bloodwork to show that he's not a carrier.

So let me get this straight....the RE treats me like crud and then you're calling to tell me I'm a carrier of something but WAIT, never mind no you're not. Oh yeah, I'm sooooo not cycling with you. LOL

On the topic of records, I called the hospital to make sure they were processing the request for records. I talked to a woman there who confirmed they received the request form on February 1st. Ok, well its now February 14th and she said they haven't even started working on it!!!!! Apparently, the form isn't enough of a release of information they want you to call them to authorize the release! WTF!!!!  So, not quite too happy, I told the woman...YES!!!!!!!!! START ON IT!!!!!! so apparently it's going to be another 15 business days before the doctors get my records. Dr. Butthead I don't care about but the RE that I want to cycle with I'm very anxious for him to get the records. UGH, oh well.

Today was weigh in day....apparently I'm too routine centered and taking a day or two off to cheat doesn't work well with me. I took the weekend off and its now Thursday and I haven't gotten back on schedule, LOL

Last week was 146.8 and this morning I was 147.8 so granted I only gained a pound...I'm going in the wrong direction. Ahhh!!! LOL Had it not been for the two day migraine I'd probably have gotten back to the gym. Hopefully tomorrow...we'll see.

Speaking of migraines....my body has been doing some wacky things. First off, I had some EWCM early in the month. Then, I started getting cramps like AF was coming. Now, I'm getting migraines as if my E2 was dropping....I'm barfy sick to my stomach (I literally did puke the other night at 3am....fun, oh yeah) constipated (sorry TMI) and my face is breaking out. I'm half expecting AF to show up but then a part of me just laughs like, "Ha...like that could happen". I guess we'll see what happens :)

Wow, wow, wow.....so much to update!!!

This will be easier if broken down in to categories. Then if you're only interested in one thing you can skip ahead, LOL

1.) My weekend IF brunches:
So Saturday was our Resolve meeting. I've only attended 3 meetings but I feel like I'm right where I belong. Thats a good thing :)  After the meeting, my two IRL Bump friends and I went out for breakfast. We went to this place in Plainfield called Southern Belles. Sooooo cute inside!!! Loved it!!!  I ordered this scrumptious scrambler thing that had sweet corn and sweet potatoes in it, it was deeeeelish!!!

Sunday we had our Chicago Ladies Bump Brunch. There were so many of us that were in the Chicagoland area, matter of fact a lot of us live really close to each other too!!!, that we decided to get together in person and have Brunch!!!  OMG, I love Brunch and I loved this place we went to. It was Juicy-O in Downers Grove, literally a block away from my new job (this is a segue into talking point #2!!), and they had these awesome little donuts they put on the table. YUM!!!!  I think Juicy-O and Southern Belles are owned by the same people because the menu was seriously identical!!! They had the scrumptious scrambler but I opted for the red velvet french toast. YUMMMMMMMMMM, nom nom nom. Diet? What diet? Totally went out the window this weekend....

At any rate, it was such a fun weekend spending time with ladies who all "get" this IF stuff and just vent about it. I'm so glad we had the Brunch and I hope we all can get together again in the future soon!!

2.) My job situation:
Depending on how long you've followed my blog, you may or may not know that I used to have my own business. From October 2010 until last summer in August I have worked for myself....so basically the whole time I've been going through IF treatments, which was nice to be able to work my own schedule around it. When I closed the business in August I was really lost as to what to do next. I was very disgruntled with my career and always thought I should have gone back to school ages ago. I've always been interested in health care so I decided to pursue nursing. I got a C.N.A. license and did some PT work for a caregiver company and started taking classes at my Community College. Well, too bad even one class at a time is like $600 a pop and we just couldn't afford for me to continue with school so I started searching for a job in ANY field that would pay me some decent money. The caregiver company was hit or miss and not stable income so that wasn't working. After about a month of frustration with interviews not calling back, no answer to hundreds of resumes sent out, and only getting offers from commission only sales jobs, I decided to buck up and try getting back into Property Management. I've literally only made that decision like a week ago and I've already got a new job :)   Too bad I didn't try that awhile ago I could have been building up some cash :)

At any rate, its $14/hour plus full benefits and a 401k for a "Customer Care Representative". Basically, I'll be picking up the overflow calls the Reception desk can't get to and sending work orders, putting RFPs together and dealing with vendors, and answering basic Association questions. This is the perfect job because the last place I worked before I started my own company, I made the same amount of money but had people calling me in the middle of the night, had to attend a dozen Board meetings late at night, and had to deal with the stress of budget season. Now, I get the same salary but 1/10th of the stress level, YAY!!! Its in Downers Grove which is close to my house, Mon-Fri from 9-5:30pm and whats nice is they are close to my new pick for an RE ....nice segue huh??? 

3.) My 2nd RE consultation:

I loved him!!!   To begin with he took me right at my appointment time and laughed at my jokes!!! which was nice :)

Then he said that in his opinion, I may just still have growth hormone deficiency (I had it as a child) and may need a few months supplementation of growth hormone before stims, as opposed to just 4 days during the stims.

He advised me to have a growth hormone stimulation test done first to see what the results were. If they show a deficiency then he'd give me a few months of the hgh.

Regardless....he doesn't see the need for the ovulation suppression drugs like the micro Lupron flare I did since I don't ovulate because my pituitary doesn't communicate. He also suggested I stop taking the DHEA and CoQ10 he said they can cause adverse effects and ruin a cycle instead of improving it. He also would cycle me with a high dose of Follistim, low dose of hcg and then trigger me with a combo of hcg and Follistim.

If all the above doesn't work then he'd advise me to consider donor eggs. I was sooooo happy he had donor as plan B , because I'm tired of being told that is my plan A!!

Basically, he would be doing a similar protocol to the one the SIRM suggested, only for different reasons. No Lupron, no bcp, no Menopur and getting rid of the Ovidril would be nice too!!

I'm sold!  I gave him the number for my Endocrinologist and he's asking them to contact me to set up the stim test and we're going to go from there!

Like I told this RE.....Maybe I'm in denial about the quality or quantity of eggs I have but, if there is no limit on our IVF cycles why not try anything and everything to get this to work with my own eggs?!?  If I got a bio baby out of the deal I'd put myself through 10 IVF cycles for a biological child and I'd say it was totally worth it in the end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ending thoughts....


Next year this time we're going to have money in our savings account....a few much needed projects completed.....and I'm going to be pregnant I just have a feeling. Everything is coming together now and I think that little Baby Payne was just waiting for the right time to make his/her appearance :)

This year for Lent...

Every year I say I'm not giving up anything but this year I've decided I'm going to.

What am I giving up you ask???  Well....this is the best idea.

I'm giving up being infertile!!!

Thats right!!!  I've tried all the other old wives tales and all sorts of infertility treatments and hurt my body physically and mentally but I never thought about just giving it up!!! 

Like next week, I'm just simply not going to be infertile anymore, I'm going to be fertile!!!

So there!!! 

Matter of fact...I might even just have sex with my husband and get pregnant (LOL ....ok quit laughing)!!  And then, when people ask me how I did it??? Well friends , the answer to your problems is simple. Like Barney Stinson says, "When I start feeling sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME!!!" its the same principle....When I am infertile, I just stop and start being fertile!!!

Duh!!! Why didn't I think of this before?? 

Come on ladies, join me in giving up infertility too!!! We can all get KU this month, wooohoo!!!!

IF weekend ahead!!!

I'm so excited about this IF themed weekend, its going to be oodles of fun!!!

Tomorrow is our monthly Resolve meeting and two of my IRL Bump friends and I are going out for breakfast after the meeting. There's a really cute looking little pancake house a few blocks away from where the meeting is so I'm really excited to check it out!!

Sunday is our Chicago Bump Ladies Brunch and I'm super psyched about that as well!!! We've got five of us coming out  when I last checked so that should be a great number. Not too many so that you can't get to talk to everyone but not too few where you're like..."Ummm, yeah so what do you want to talk about now". Although, who am I kidding...I could hold a conversation with myself I'm not worried about too few people, LOL We're going to a Brunch place in the Western Suburbs. Last year when I first actively starting "Bumping" there was a Chicago get together and this place was where it was going to be held. I'll be honest....I invited myself along, LOL. Turns out though that it was cancelled and instead myself and two other ladies (one of which is my IRL friend that I'll see tomorrow!!!) went out for breakfast instead. Since then though, I've always wanted to go to this place!!! So....I'm double and triple excited about going out on Sunday!! I'm hopeful people recognize me though since all my pictures are without my glasses and I'm blind without them and don't have contacts. They're smart ladies though I'm sure they'll figure it out. Speaking of my glasses....

Since I don't have contacts (they bother my eyes so I technically only wear them for special occasions) , I'm limited to my one pair of glasses that I wear every day. Jim feels the need to pull them off my face when he kisses me and sometimes he teases me with them....like pretends to give them back then pulls them away. I always get mad because I'd be lost literally blind without them and if he ever broke them I don't know what I'd do. Well guess what happened the other day....he pretended to give them back, I grasped my hand around them, he yanked them out of my hand and there went the "arm" flying onto the floor. He "fixed" them but not really so now whenever I take my glasses off they fall apart in my hands. I tried doing a yoga DVD today to avoid the gym but my glasses repeatedly kept falling off my face , URGH!!!!  Men.

Self Diagnosis & Weight loss

I've been super obsessed with diagnosing myself. Here are some possibilities....I've either got a pituitary mutation of PROP-1 or PIT-1, POF (Premature Ovarian Failure) caused by my childhood endocrine disorders and/or early menopause, or Hypogonadism. Or maybe I just have Hypothalmic Amennorhea and we can call it a day. Regardless....I just want to know what is wrong with me and how to fix it.

Here's what I'm finding based on the labwork I have in my possession:
FSH- elevated
LH- elevated
Estradiol- low
Progesterone- low
TSH- low
Prolactin- low
ACTH/cortisol- normal

The fact that there are some normal and elevated hormones negate the panhypopit diagnosis since "pan" means "all". There is that possibility of just being "Hypopituitarism" which I can get on board with since there are only "partial" hormones that are depleted.

Here is my predicition...

My childhood Hypopituitarism (aka Growth Hormone Deficiency) since untreated since age 15 has caused an overproduction of FSH & LH and consequently my ovaries are inundated and not responding. I'm not really buying into the whole POF diagnosis just yet....and that is why I think I'm offended by REs pushing DE on me. I'd like to figure out how to get my organs to respond to the pulses my Hypothalmus is sending them thats all :)   

Well....enough from Dr. Kate, onto my weigh in for this week!!!




Drumroll please......

Starting weight 149.1
Today's weight  146.8

My first week obviously went better as I lost 1.8lbs whereas this week I've only lost .6lbs. However, I've set a goal for myself of one pound per week so "technically" I'm still on target!! Slow and steady wins the race and I'm super slow, that's for sure :) Also, I consider .6 lbs lost a major win because of Superbowl and the fact that I took 3 days off from the gym instead of my allotted 2days off.

Yesterday I went back and burned over 300 calories in 30min. on the elliptical. That machine is going to be my machine of choice from now on I think. I'm all about making my time count and if I can burn twice as much on the elliptical vs. walking on the treadmill, then count me in!! Its tough getting past the first 10minutes on the machine though , but once I hit that 15min mark I feel like I could even go longer than the 30min. Maybe eventually I'll push myself up to 45min :) The only problem is that I'm staaaaaaaarving when I come home and I'm still trying to stay within my 1200 calorie range which is super tough to do when all you can think about is eating!!!! Not even eating bad foods just eating.....fruit, veggies, yogurt, cottage cheese, nuts, whatEVER!!!!

Crazy Dream....IF/RE related

Last night I dreamt I was at home getting ready to go somewhere. I went into the garage to get something out of my car and my RE was in the car asleep. I knocked on the window to wake her up and asked her why she was in my car. She said she was trying to fix something on it and fell asleep!!!! So, I said ok sorry and went back into the house. A little while later, she came into the house said she couldn't fix it and left!!!



Am I the car? LOL

Add another two doctors to the list please!

I've made an appointment for genetic counseling. I was really surprised that they were able to fit me in so quick, but I'm going in on Thursday next week (Valentines Day no less,LOL) for my appointment.

In addition, I've scheduled an appointment for my Endocrinologist. I had major issues with that office last year because I made my original appointment with him but kept getting his residents. So when I made this appointment I told them....I will wait.....I HAVE to see him personally!!!!  Wait I will because he's not available until April. Thats ok though that will give me time to get the genetic counseling results back.

I'm really not believing my Panhypopituitarism diagnosis these days so I want to straighten that all out. Since we're not planning on cycling until July anyways I've got time now to figure things out. Might as well , right?!?

First (in person) 2nd opinion

Major bust. I have never cried as much as I have in the last 2 weeks and I'm getting sick of being sniffly and stuffy because of it all the fricking time.

I had a phone consult already with SIRM but tonight was my 1st in person consult with a local RE. I've personally met two mom's of IVF twins who went to this guy and highly recommend him so I was really excited!!!

I get there at 5:20 for a 5:45pm appointment and didn't get called back to the RE's office until 6:50pm. Then, they have me sitting in his office while he "reviews my chart" which he didn't get done with and come to meet me until 7:15pm.

He then sits down, and starts making a list of the labs he wants me to repeat first. Then he says, I'm producing such poor quality embryos that I really should be focusing on DE instead especially since I only have one IVF cycle left. Well....I corrected him and told him I don't have a cap on cycles, to which he replied "Oh well then I would consider cycling you with your OE". Well sure if you're getting the money from us no matter what why not!?!? He also told me that he wanted to cycle me with Ganirelix even though he knew I had an adverse reaction to the injections.

Then the real kicker....he gets up from his desk (while still talking to me) and starts walking towards the door while I'm sitting there still. He says, "Just a minute"....which I presumed he meant to me....and leaves. I sit there for 15min and when he doesn't come back I started wandering around. Turns out he is in another consult with the couple who came in after me!!!! I started bawling and just left....and bawled the whole way home.

Urgh....I'm seriously so frustrated with this whole process. The only thing he told me that I agreed with was to get karotyped and to see a genetic counselor since I may have a pituitary genetic mutation and NOT be panhypopit afterall. Seriously hope the other 2 consults don't go this bad.

Superbowl Sunday Funday!!

Friday was a bad day. Major meltdown city....especially after that bill came in the mail. However, I realized that when I cry, like uggggggly cry, Jim isn't mad. Hmmm.... :)   I'll have to remember that for future usage if I screw up something, LOL

I already told Jim I wasn't interested in cycling right away due to my upcoming 2nd opinions, weight loss, all the weddings, and now this unanticipated bill. We were going to reevaluate in July anyways so I just asked him if we could flat out cycle again....no evaluating, just do it. He said yes, so we have a decision!!!

My BIL's wedding ends the Spring/Summer mayhem on July 14th so guess who will be at "Dr. TBD"'s office the morning of July 15th??? Oh yeah....this girl!!!  I think we're going to be starting up on the anniversary of my first and only (hopefully ever) cancelled cycle. I'm not sure if that is a good omen or not but oh well.

I'm really looking forward to spending time with my friends and family this Summer and not having to worry about sneaking off to take my shots, or being to bloated to have fun, or not being able to have a glass of wine/beer!!!  So the next 5 months are going to be all about FUN!!!!...and losing weight :)

Speaking of losing weight....I'm not supposed to weigh myself every day but I do and I'm already down to 145. I'm nervous about today being Superbowl and keeping myself in check. Jim's Uncle is making Kugelis, a Lithuanian meal. I've looked up the nutritional information and there are almost 500 calories in one slice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Add the sauerkraut (which isn't bad) and sausage and beer plus chips to snack on ....holy hell. So, I've decided on a light breakfast (Greek yogurt) and a light lunch (leftover spaghetti squash from last night's dinner) and I decided to only drink Diet Coke or water today. Plus, I'm only having a HALF slice of the Kugelis and loading up on sauekraut to fill up. I may have a sausage link too I'm undecided. After all that I should be ok on calories for today but I've taken my two days off from the gym already tomorrow I have got to get back to it to keep my momentum going!!! At this rate I'll be at my goal by April instead of July....a dream of course but who knows!!

BFN? So sorry....btw, here is your bill

Just got the bill for my last IVF cycle...our portion was almost $1,000. Holy crap on a cracker. Major props to those paying OOP.

Not exactly the most opportune time to get that since I'm out of work...we're already stretched pretty thin on DH's income. Especially since I'm standing up in a wedding in May. Another good friend is getting married in June. And then not to mention,the real kicker is.... DH's brother just announced today that after being engaged for 6 months and not planning a thing they just decided they'd get married 5 months from now. Great....so now DH is Best Man and there's another MAJOR wedding we can't afford to attend.

So we've got 3 wedding shower gifts....3 bachelorette parties....1 bachelor party....two hotel rooms...and 3 cash gifts for the wedding to come up with on top of this $1k bill to my former RE.

And....no baby. Wtf....this should be free if you aren't pregnant, LOL

Sorry for the rant. I have a feeling this is going to lead to a knock down fight, ugh. Stupid IF you just ruined my weekend yet again!!!

One year of blogs....almost

Technically I started this blog in October 2011 right before my first RE appointment.

Sometimes I like to read my old posts and think, "Haha....so naive" but in two weeks I'll have officially been blogging consistently for a year. Holy moly.

Why do I have the feeling I'm still going to be blogging next February? LOL

Shiiiit.

To top it off, I think my BIL might be getting married this Summer afterall. Guess who will probably be pregnant before we even cycle again?!? LOL oh lord help me not say something bitchy this weekend.