Halfway to my 200th post....

Somehow I'm thinking this blog will be well over 200 posts before it turns into a pregnancy blog...

So the first week of my job is over thank goodness. I'm waiting for my new computer to come in so I've been sitting at whatever desk is open. Most of the time it was the PT girl's desk. Her cubicle is plastered with pictures of her 19month old son. Nothing like dozens of baby pictures to distract me from my work!! Also, one of the managers I haven't met is/was pregnant and was in labor so the office was shouting updates back and forth....including "Baby's out" when she was born and "Awwwww" when they were passing cell phones around since the manager texted a picture. Oh boy....long week.

I've officially completed my first month post BFN of our short IVF break. The feeling like I'm forgetting to do something is slowly fading. Matter of fact, I'm concerned about when I start up again getting the energy to get back to it!!

I'm going to have to call the Endocrinologist tomorrow and set up my Growth Hormone Stimulation test. I'm not really looking forward to having that done but I'm hoping it comes back as positive and they can give me a potentially helpful solution to improving my egg quality. I've spent this morning on my new RE's website browsing their donors. While its kind of "fun" shopping for an egg (LOL) its also really depressing. When you read their histories and they say they plan to start their families in 2-3 years once they buy a house or whatever and you can't help buy get teary eyed. I had those plans too but they aren't coming true for me and they most likely will come true for them. Well, I'm hopeful I don't have to face that decision. Its financially and ethically daunting to try and decide to go with DE and which donor to pick. I'm praying that I have AGHD and they can give me daily HGH injections for a few months and then my 4th IVF cycle will be my winning cycle. All I keep thinking to myself is...."Next year this time I will be pregnant" and it helps a teensy bit to get me through.

Anywho....I havent posted a crazy dream in awhile so here's a good one for you....  

Night before last I dreamt there was a komodo dragon in my backyard. At first I was like, Ehhh oh well he'll go away, but then I realized my friend Amy was in the backyard too. Fortunately the dragon didn't see her....but she didn't see the dragon either. I slid open the sliding glass door and tried silently motioning to Amy to run towards the door. She didn't see me but the dragon finally saw her and starting heading her way. I was yelling and screaming and then I woke up...hmmm.

I looked up what some key symbols mean and found this:

"Komodo Dragon -
To see a komodo dragon in your dream means that you need to be more flexible in your thinking or decision making. Your agility and stealth will get you what you want. You also need to take advantage of the opportunities presented to you. Alternatively, a komodo dragon symbolizes genuine fear. "

"Backyard
To dream about your backyard represents your childhood memories or your subconscious. Alternatively, dreaming of your backyard refers to the secrets you are keeping. There are some aspects of your life which you want to keep hidden and out of the view of others. The dream also represents some aspect of your life that you have taken for granted. Consider also the phrase "not in my backyard." In other words, everything is okay as long as it does not happen to you or occur in your own home. The condition of the yard is also symbolic of how well you maintain and balance aspects of your life."

"Friend
To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.�To dream that your best friend is dying suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying within your own self. "


I feel like this was a symbolic dream of my struggles with infertility that just happened to manifest in a weird and twisted way. My friend Amy has the quality of hope and joy...she's newly engaged and I'm sure looking forward to starting a family shortly after she's married. I miss that feeling when I first got married 2.5 years ago, where now I'm only left with jealousy and anguish. However, since I keep it to myself my true dark and deep seeded feelings the backyard portrays that true feeling. Its my secret to keep on how awful I really feel and sometimes it really hurts but I put on a happy face and deal with it. The dragon shows how fearful I am. Not only that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings with one of the many spiteful things that I say or do without thinking....but that I'm never going to have a child....or that I'll have a child but those feelings won't go away towards women who didn't have trouble conceiving. Its so hard to be happy for others when you're so sad inside.

On that cheerful note, I have to put my happy face back on soon for a dinner at my IL's house. We're having dinner with the family and my soon to be SIL's parents. Why? I don't know.