Well its Friday again. Another week has come and gone and my weekend has arrived! This weekend will not be spent hungover though at least, haha....
Although it was only a four day work week for me (called in sick on Monday), this has been quite the long week that's for sure.
Tuesday and Wednesday were uneventful, just busy normal work days. Thursday though, Jim and I had our appointment with the genetics counselor. Its really strange to me how quickly we've been able to get into see all the doctors we wanted to see. Both the MFM and Geneticist were able to see us less than a week after my initial phone call. Maybe that's a sign that we're ok to be moving forward so quickly.
At any rate, our appointment on Thursday was less than satisfying as all our appointments seem to be. From what we've learned, Dandy Walker can be part of another syndrome, yes, however... there are many many syndromes that it could be associated with. They just have no known genetic tests to locate where it would possibly come from. Her only suggestion was a 100 part Counsel test which would screen for 100 most common genetic disorders out of a possible 5,000+ that can exist. Jim and I decided not to have this done. She explained it would not explain the Dandy Walker, it would only screen for any other possible genetic issues we can carry. Well... I'm already a basket case to begin with. I really don't want to or need to know if we're both carriers for something ELSE!!! We agreed that if , god forbid, something were to happen again to our 2nd child that we'd look into the Counsel test but for now we're going to pass. Anyways, any genetic mutation we may have that possibly could have caused this only has a 25% chance of occurrence....let alone a reoccurrence. We will take our chances.
Yet another informative appointment but still no answers.
When I got to work I thought I'd give Northwestern a call and check in on my bloodwork from the week before. Not really sure how long it takes for a lupus panel to come back but the results were back. The entire lupus panel was negative....no lupus. Also, they rechecked my ACA levels since in 2009 they were very slightly elevated. In 2014 however, they are so very very normal that it definitely is not a cause either.
On one hand I feel really good about the research and questioning we've been doing , as this is literally leaving no stone unturned. However, the lack of answers and the constant shrugs of doctors shoulders is getting a little bit annoying. I'm a factual person, this is driving me insane but I guess its just one of those things that won't ever come with an answer.
Since all our research has been completed I guessed it was time to email Dr. Oz again and find out about getting FET #2 underway. I'm scheduled for a SHG on Tuesday. Basically, they shoot saline into uterine cavity to make sure that there isn't retained tissue from delivery, polyps that formed, or anything else unusual. They want to be sure the environment in there is as healthy as possible to increase the likelihood of our embryo implanting.
Dr. Oz says that provided everything looks good on Tuesday, I can start Lupron that night. Wait, whut the whut? He told me I can start up on my BCP whenever I want to.... so as of last night I'm officially FET prepping I guess.
Want to hear something a little ironic/strange/eerie???
If this FET follows the same pattern, or at least pretty close to, the last one..... there is a really, really, good chance my due date would be Jack's birthday.
::Tear::
Friday, February 28, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Loss after Infertility
Resolve just recently posted a link to an article about being pregnant after infertility. I think I'm going to send them a message to ask what about those who experience a loss after infertility, what then? Most women can wake up next to their husband one day and say "Hey , lets have a baby" and poof it happens. For others, such as myself, it takes a lot of emotional and physical determination to make this happen. So what do you do when your dream that came true suddenly became your worst nightmare?
For me, being pregnant after infertility was a piece of cake. I had no fear, no worry, no anxiety over twitches or cramps. I truly believed that I had been given such an amazing gift that I fought so hard for, there would be no way it could ever be taken away from me. For 19 out of 20 of those weeks I enjoyed being the normal pregnant woman that I was.
Then suddenly I found myself faced with the worst possible scenario ever imaginable. Admitted to the hospital, lying in bed and just praying they wouldn't find a heartbeat so I wouldn't have to make a decision about terminating my child's life or carrying a child that wouldn't survive. Having that decision made for me and causing my own health to be in serious danger as well. Forcing family to feel guilty about getting me baby related items for Christmas gifts.
There is no going back to normal now. This is beyond life after infertility....
I'm afraid to be pregnant again. I'm going to pursue it, but I'm so scared. What if it takes another two years to get pregnant only to lose that baby as well. What if next time we both die? That is a definite step up from the fears of being pregnant after infertility yet no one speaks to that.
Because of all these issues I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in my usual means of support and feel a little lost. Those who have been supportive during my infertility treatments just don't get it....who would? My long time friends are compassionate but they don't get it either. Everything that people say is the wrong thing and I hate being ((hugged)) this much.
In other words, this puts me into a true limbo state of trying to get pregnant again.
If/when I'm pregnant again I'm afraid I'll miss out on the "fun" things of pregnancy that I had with Jack. I'm scared to take bump pictures, admitting I'm pregnant to friends and family, having a baby shower, setting up a nursery, taking maternity photos. I fear that our second child will hate me for seemingly loving Jack more than them.
How do you recover from this? Loss after Infertility...a whole new beast.
For me, being pregnant after infertility was a piece of cake. I had no fear, no worry, no anxiety over twitches or cramps. I truly believed that I had been given such an amazing gift that I fought so hard for, there would be no way it could ever be taken away from me. For 19 out of 20 of those weeks I enjoyed being the normal pregnant woman that I was.
Then suddenly I found myself faced with the worst possible scenario ever imaginable. Admitted to the hospital, lying in bed and just praying they wouldn't find a heartbeat so I wouldn't have to make a decision about terminating my child's life or carrying a child that wouldn't survive. Having that decision made for me and causing my own health to be in serious danger as well. Forcing family to feel guilty about getting me baby related items for Christmas gifts.
There is no going back to normal now. This is beyond life after infertility....
I'm afraid to be pregnant again. I'm going to pursue it, but I'm so scared. What if it takes another two years to get pregnant only to lose that baby as well. What if next time we both die? That is a definite step up from the fears of being pregnant after infertility yet no one speaks to that.
Because of all these issues I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in my usual means of support and feel a little lost. Those who have been supportive during my infertility treatments just don't get it....who would? My long time friends are compassionate but they don't get it either. Everything that people say is the wrong thing and I hate being ((hugged)) this much.
In other words, this puts me into a true limbo state of trying to get pregnant again.
If/when I'm pregnant again I'm afraid I'll miss out on the "fun" things of pregnancy that I had with Jack. I'm scared to take bump pictures, admitting I'm pregnant to friends and family, having a baby shower, setting up a nursery, taking maternity photos. I fear that our second child will hate me for seemingly loving Jack more than them.
How do you recover from this? Loss after Infertility...a whole new beast.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
MFM does not stand for "Must Figure Me out"
Because no one can, not even them. Met with the new MFM today and while I felt it was a very thorough and complete consultation and I really liked him, I walked away from the appointment without a lot of answers.
He didn't think the Dandy Walker and pre-e were related so unfortunately we're looking at two separate issues. As for the DW, he said our reoccurrence rate is so low that we probably wouldn't need to have genetic testing done. Jim and I talked about this tonight though and we think we'll still have it done just to be on the safe side. It was a concern that Jack had low set ears, which usually indicates a chromosomal issue (although none was noted with him). Its a possibility, which is why we're thinking of having genetic counseling anyways, that DW was part of a separate syndrome that wasn't diagnosed yet. That scares me.
Regarding the pre-e/HELLP, he reiterated the fact that it was very bizarre to have it happen so fast and severe starting at 19 weeks. Certain things that have been linked to Pre-e are... APA or ACA(Antiphospholipid Antibodies/Anticardiolipin Antibodies), Kidney or liver disease, Diabetes, Pre-existing Hypertension, or Lupus. I've already been tested for APA/ACA and it was slightly elevated which he thinks is just a false positive. My Hematologist put in an order last month to have them redrawn so that was done today. Although my mother has kidney issues (two time kidney cancer survivor) , that is not something that is an issue with me that I know of. I'm not diabetic. I have always had excellent blood pressure. Finally, I've had been screened for lupus anticoagulant and it was normal. However, there are a number of tests to rule out lupus completely so he ordered a panel for that as well. Basically, if I don't have lupus or ACA then no one has any ideas about what happened. Not that I want a disease or something wrong with me but... I kind of hope I have lupus. At least I have an answer. At least I know there is *maybe* something I can do next time around to prevent this.
Interestingly enough, while at one point Factor V Leiden was thought to increase chances of preeclampsia, studies are now showing it has nothing to do with it. Matter of fact, this MFM says that so many woman are placed on anticoagulants like Lovenox and don't even need them. Ironically enough, my Hematologist told me the same thing when I first got pregnant....yet I stayed on them for fear of losing the baby. Well, haha on me. Both him and the MFM have now both told me I don't need the Lovenox at all for my next pregnancy. Yay! One less shot!
He also warned me of an increased chance of having pre-e again in a future pregnancy. Double that risk of reoccurrence in a pregnancy with multiples. I've been going back and forth recently about electing for a SET (single embryo transfer) and that just sold me. He said that their office is bombarded with twins and triplets from the infertility office down the hall (my old RE, lol) and the women he sees without half my complications have all sorts of troubles. If I were to get pregnant with twins he would immediately advise on selective reduction to only carry a singleton. At that rate, I might as well only transfer one as there is no way I'm "reducing" an embryo. If it were to split, we'd just commence freak out mode and trudge forward. Although, prior to all these issues, we were concerned about multiples anyways. Our house isn't big enough for two of everything, our finances are barely big enough for one, and omg, where in my body would two babies go anyways, LOL.... so yeah, I'm taking the Drs. advice and doing a SET for sure. When I got home, Jim and I talked about it and he's on board with this plan now too.
So basically just waiting for the bloodwork to come back. If its positive for lupus I'll need to see a Rheumatologist. Other than that, a baby aspirin is the magic pill that everyone seems to "prescribe" to ward off this pre-e. If I remember tomorrow, I'll be making an appointment for Jim and I at the genetics counselor at Edwards who is familiar with our case. Then...we go from there!
Ummm, yay??
Funny story to end my blog post for tonight. My veins are awful....like take the worst veins and multiply by 10, those are mine. The lab techs at the hospital know me well...like first name plus details of my life kind of well. I haven't been there in a year but they asked how school was going (last year I was starting pre- reqs to try and apply for nursing school) and they remember what gauge needles I need since my teeny tiny veins. Anyways, the new lady got me first. I told her I was a hand draw to which she started singing "I can draw the hand, I can draw the hand" and said "Oh wow , I just made a little song about it". Then as she was looking for my vein she said "Jesus help me" and started another little song "I need a miracle, I need a miracle." Needless to say, she poked me once....didn't get it , and I moved on to a new tech's chair. LOL Just thinking about it makes me laugh so hard. I swore there had to be hidden cameras somewhere in there, haha!!
He didn't think the Dandy Walker and pre-e were related so unfortunately we're looking at two separate issues. As for the DW, he said our reoccurrence rate is so low that we probably wouldn't need to have genetic testing done. Jim and I talked about this tonight though and we think we'll still have it done just to be on the safe side. It was a concern that Jack had low set ears, which usually indicates a chromosomal issue (although none was noted with him). Its a possibility, which is why we're thinking of having genetic counseling anyways, that DW was part of a separate syndrome that wasn't diagnosed yet. That scares me.
Regarding the pre-e/HELLP, he reiterated the fact that it was very bizarre to have it happen so fast and severe starting at 19 weeks. Certain things that have been linked to Pre-e are... APA or ACA(Antiphospholipid Antibodies/Anticardiolipin Antibodies), Kidney or liver disease, Diabetes, Pre-existing Hypertension, or Lupus. I've already been tested for APA/ACA and it was slightly elevated which he thinks is just a false positive. My Hematologist put in an order last month to have them redrawn so that was done today. Although my mother has kidney issues (two time kidney cancer survivor) , that is not something that is an issue with me that I know of. I'm not diabetic. I have always had excellent blood pressure. Finally, I've had been screened for lupus anticoagulant and it was normal. However, there are a number of tests to rule out lupus completely so he ordered a panel for that as well. Basically, if I don't have lupus or ACA then no one has any ideas about what happened. Not that I want a disease or something wrong with me but... I kind of hope I have lupus. At least I have an answer. At least I know there is *maybe* something I can do next time around to prevent this.
Interestingly enough, while at one point Factor V Leiden was thought to increase chances of preeclampsia, studies are now showing it has nothing to do with it. Matter of fact, this MFM says that so many woman are placed on anticoagulants like Lovenox and don't even need them. Ironically enough, my Hematologist told me the same thing when I first got pregnant....yet I stayed on them for fear of losing the baby. Well, haha on me. Both him and the MFM have now both told me I don't need the Lovenox at all for my next pregnancy. Yay! One less shot!
He also warned me of an increased chance of having pre-e again in a future pregnancy. Double that risk of reoccurrence in a pregnancy with multiples. I've been going back and forth recently about electing for a SET (single embryo transfer) and that just sold me. He said that their office is bombarded with twins and triplets from the infertility office down the hall (my old RE, lol) and the women he sees without half my complications have all sorts of troubles. If I were to get pregnant with twins he would immediately advise on selective reduction to only carry a singleton. At that rate, I might as well only transfer one as there is no way I'm "reducing" an embryo. If it were to split, we'd just commence freak out mode and trudge forward. Although, prior to all these issues, we were concerned about multiples anyways. Our house isn't big enough for two of everything, our finances are barely big enough for one, and omg, where in my body would two babies go anyways, LOL.... so yeah, I'm taking the Drs. advice and doing a SET for sure. When I got home, Jim and I talked about it and he's on board with this plan now too.
So basically just waiting for the bloodwork to come back. If its positive for lupus I'll need to see a Rheumatologist. Other than that, a baby aspirin is the magic pill that everyone seems to "prescribe" to ward off this pre-e. If I remember tomorrow, I'll be making an appointment for Jim and I at the genetics counselor at Edwards who is familiar with our case. Then...we go from there!
Ummm, yay??
Funny story to end my blog post for tonight. My veins are awful....like take the worst veins and multiply by 10, those are mine. The lab techs at the hospital know me well...like first name plus details of my life kind of well. I haven't been there in a year but they asked how school was going (last year I was starting pre- reqs to try and apply for nursing school) and they remember what gauge needles I need since my teeny tiny veins. Anyways, the new lady got me first. I told her I was a hand draw to which she started singing "I can draw the hand, I can draw the hand" and said "Oh wow , I just made a little song about it". Then as she was looking for my vein she said "Jesus help me" and started another little song "I need a miracle, I need a miracle." Needless to say, she poked me once....didn't get it , and I moved on to a new tech's chair. LOL Just thinking about it makes me laugh so hard. I swore there had to be hidden cameras somewhere in there, haha!!
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Valentines Day/ "Me Day"
Being the wife of a cop, I know and completely understand that I'm not going to get to spend holidays with my husband like most wives do. Valentines Day is no exception. Jim left for work Thursday night at 10pm as I was going to bed. He got a call right before his shift ended Friday (Vday) morning so I couldn't see him before I left for work. Then, since all the guys were calling in sick for the night, he got called in early at 7pm. Since I was working late I didn't get to see him last night either. Instead, his mom came over and we played Scrabble. She won one and I won one..... Are you jumping up and down??? You should. Anytime I beat my MIL in Scrabble I want a parade, LOL
This morning I saw Jim for all of 10 minutes. He had to get to sleep since he's working a side job before work tonight plus I was on my way out for "Me Day". What is "Me Day" you ask? Well, its just what it sounds like.... a day for me. I had so much fun out on my own today that I think I'm making this a regular occurrence. I was out of the house 8 HOURS today.... EIGHT HOURS!!!! It was awesome :)
My day started out with a mani/pedi and a much needed eyebrow wax. I went to my favorite salon and I really wish I could go more often but I usually only go to treat myself. I got a really nice paraffin wrap on my hands and cute pink sparkly nails. My feet are now ready for flip flop weather as well....once it gets to 50 they're coming out!!
After that I was going to go to the mall but decided to try and avoid some crowds by going to a smaller little strip mall closer to home. They have all the shops I'd shop at anyways. Can I just say though, I absolutely LOVE Ross for Less. It is now my new favorite store. Jim told me they're opening one just down the street from us so I'm extra happy about that news!!! Anywho, I was able to get myself some clothes that fit so now my maternity clothes are all packed up and put in the basement. Its really amazing how something so small as packing up clothes to get them out of sight can free up some space in your mind. I feel like a little weight on my shoulders is gone. Phew.
Tomorrow Jim and I are celebrating a belated Valentines. We're going out for a nice steak dinner, yummmm. Speaking of Valentines Day, check out my present.
Its hard to see it but our names (Jim, Kate, Jack) are engraved over each of our birthstones. Inside the band it says "Our family is a circle of love". I absolutely love this bracelet!!!
Well folks, I need to get some stuff done for work tonight. I have my consult with the MFM this week so I probably wont write again until my update from that appointment. Hope you're all having a great weekend!!
This morning I saw Jim for all of 10 minutes. He had to get to sleep since he's working a side job before work tonight plus I was on my way out for "Me Day". What is "Me Day" you ask? Well, its just what it sounds like.... a day for me. I had so much fun out on my own today that I think I'm making this a regular occurrence. I was out of the house 8 HOURS today.... EIGHT HOURS!!!! It was awesome :)
My day started out with a mani/pedi and a much needed eyebrow wax. I went to my favorite salon and I really wish I could go more often but I usually only go to treat myself. I got a really nice paraffin wrap on my hands and cute pink sparkly nails. My feet are now ready for flip flop weather as well....once it gets to 50 they're coming out!!
After that I was going to go to the mall but decided to try and avoid some crowds by going to a smaller little strip mall closer to home. They have all the shops I'd shop at anyways. Can I just say though, I absolutely LOVE Ross for Less. It is now my new favorite store. Jim told me they're opening one just down the street from us so I'm extra happy about that news!!! Anywho, I was able to get myself some clothes that fit so now my maternity clothes are all packed up and put in the basement. Its really amazing how something so small as packing up clothes to get them out of sight can free up some space in your mind. I feel like a little weight on my shoulders is gone. Phew.
Tomorrow Jim and I are celebrating a belated Valentines. We're going out for a nice steak dinner, yummmm. Speaking of Valentines Day, check out my present.
Its hard to see it but our names (Jim, Kate, Jack) are engraved over each of our birthstones. Inside the band it says "Our family is a circle of love". I absolutely love this bracelet!!!
Well folks, I need to get some stuff done for work tonight. I have my consult with the MFM this week so I probably wont write again until my update from that appointment. Hope you're all having a great weekend!!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Autopsy is in/ How the R.E. met your mother/ My 75 and Resolve
First things first.... Jack's autopsy is in. I asked Jim to call them on Thursday morning and sure as shit, they picked up the phone. He gave them my work fax number and asked them to send to me.
Besides the Dandy Walker, Jack was "developmentally appropriate for gestational age" from what they say. No chromosomal issues, all organs were normal and in their proper places, 10 fingers and 10 toes (yes it even did say that). He only had the Dandy Walker and, probably from my preeclampsia, was small for his size. They also mentioned that he had low set ears, not sure what that means since there were no chromosome issues.
So that's pretty much the answer but not an answer we were looking for. It doesn't seem likely that Jack's Dandy Walker was caused by a genetic issue so we've decided to forgo the PGD on our embryos for now as well as another fresh cycle, unless our FET doesn't work of course.
Which brings me to the troubling aspect. The preeclampsia. If Jack's problems didn't cause it then what did? I can't seem to wrap my finger around the reason for why I got it, but a small part of me thinks that God or whoever is up there gave Jack the DW to save me from the pre-e. If it weren't for that, we wouldn't have been at University of Chicago for a second opinion. I would have had a "normal" anatomy scan and went home to who knows what awaited. I could have died....or come very close, had I not been at U of C and that MFM sent me in for observation. For that much, I owe Jack my life. As for why it even happened in the first place is beyond me but I'm trying to come to grips with it.
Yesterday was 7 weeks without Jack and its so, so, very strange to think to myself that I should be 27 weeks right now. I should be big, feeling my baby kick, counting days until my 1st shower, and days until he arrives. Instead I'm in my normal clothes and counting calories to try and get as healthy as possible before trying this crazy stuff all over again.
Segue... LOL
On February 11th of 2013 , I met the RE that helped me conceive Jack. After failing my 3rd IVF cycle at Northwestern I sought out as many other 2nd opinions as possible. I honestly would have talked to a few other REs if it weren't for the fact that this day last year I also was offered a job. I didn't want to start out a new job by taking time off for doctor appointments. As it turns out, it worked out for the best. After spending 18 months at NW with that RE without even having the slightest hint of a second line, I was pregnant 6 months after my initial consultation with Dr. Oz.
Starting this process over again its...different. I'm hopeful that we can get our 2nd BFP from just the one FET cycle. After all that we've been through, I hope and pray that this time around is simple.
I want a baby in that crib upstairs, I want a baby to wear those clothes in the closet, I want a baby to poop up the months worth of diapers I've bought, I want a baby here in my arms.
My last topic for this post is for my 75 and Resolve ladies. I've been a part of an online support group for a little over two years now. I've met some of these ladies, I'm friends in real life with some of them even, but a good portion I haven't met and unless we win the lotto and have means to travel I may never meet them all. However, they are the most supportive and loving group and I'm so happy to have been a part of it so long. Also, before I gotten pregnant I was an active part of my local Resolve support group. I've built some great ties of friendship with quite a few of them as well over the time I've been going. Now that we're facing the IF battle again, I'm going to be rejoining the group.
Last weekend I had lunch with three ladies, two of which are in both groups, and received quite the shock. Both groups had taken up donations and gotten the most amazingly wonderful things for me and my little family. An engraved pocket watch for Jim, gourmet dog treats for Chesney, an Origami Owl locket for me, and windchimes that have "Too Beautiful For Earth" etched on it plus it plays "Amazing Grace". On top of that there was some funds left over that they generously donated to us. I think this weekend I might use a small portion to find some pants that fit right. Even though I'm at my pre pregnancy weight, I think my hips have moved and so now my pants from August don't fit. I'm stuck still wearing maternity clothes and its really upsetting. The rest of it will be going towards my tattoo. I'm still trying to decide what to get...thinking a dandelion but we'll see. There was also a handmade blanket from one of those ladies. I think that is my favorite out of everything. She said she made it for Jack when we found out he was a boy. I did get the baby blanket I ordered online but it was a bit too small and not very warm but THIS blanket is. I'm snuggling up with both blankets now :)
When I first opened the card at lunch, I wasn't even able to open the gifts in the bag. I'm still in shock at the outpouring of love from the IF community I belong to, its just so unreal. When I got home, Jim was still sleeping. I didn't even know what to do with myself so I just layed down on the couch and took a little nap. When Jim woke up and asked how my lunch with my friends went, I could barely even answer I just cried.
Well.... that's what I get I guess for not writing in a few days, an overload of info, thoughts, and updates!!! I'll try to be more proactive :)
Besides the Dandy Walker, Jack was "developmentally appropriate for gestational age" from what they say. No chromosomal issues, all organs were normal and in their proper places, 10 fingers and 10 toes (yes it even did say that). He only had the Dandy Walker and, probably from my preeclampsia, was small for his size. They also mentioned that he had low set ears, not sure what that means since there were no chromosome issues.
So that's pretty much the answer but not an answer we were looking for. It doesn't seem likely that Jack's Dandy Walker was caused by a genetic issue so we've decided to forgo the PGD on our embryos for now as well as another fresh cycle, unless our FET doesn't work of course.
Which brings me to the troubling aspect. The preeclampsia. If Jack's problems didn't cause it then what did? I can't seem to wrap my finger around the reason for why I got it, but a small part of me thinks that God or whoever is up there gave Jack the DW to save me from the pre-e. If it weren't for that, we wouldn't have been at University of Chicago for a second opinion. I would have had a "normal" anatomy scan and went home to who knows what awaited. I could have died....or come very close, had I not been at U of C and that MFM sent me in for observation. For that much, I owe Jack my life. As for why it even happened in the first place is beyond me but I'm trying to come to grips with it.
Yesterday was 7 weeks without Jack and its so, so, very strange to think to myself that I should be 27 weeks right now. I should be big, feeling my baby kick, counting days until my 1st shower, and days until he arrives. Instead I'm in my normal clothes and counting calories to try and get as healthy as possible before trying this crazy stuff all over again.
Segue... LOL
On February 11th of 2013 , I met the RE that helped me conceive Jack. After failing my 3rd IVF cycle at Northwestern I sought out as many other 2nd opinions as possible. I honestly would have talked to a few other REs if it weren't for the fact that this day last year I also was offered a job. I didn't want to start out a new job by taking time off for doctor appointments. As it turns out, it worked out for the best. After spending 18 months at NW with that RE without even having the slightest hint of a second line, I was pregnant 6 months after my initial consultation with Dr. Oz.
Starting this process over again its...different. I'm hopeful that we can get our 2nd BFP from just the one FET cycle. After all that we've been through, I hope and pray that this time around is simple.
I want a baby in that crib upstairs, I want a baby to wear those clothes in the closet, I want a baby to poop up the months worth of diapers I've bought, I want a baby here in my arms.
My last topic for this post is for my 75 and Resolve ladies. I've been a part of an online support group for a little over two years now. I've met some of these ladies, I'm friends in real life with some of them even, but a good portion I haven't met and unless we win the lotto and have means to travel I may never meet them all. However, they are the most supportive and loving group and I'm so happy to have been a part of it so long. Also, before I gotten pregnant I was an active part of my local Resolve support group. I've built some great ties of friendship with quite a few of them as well over the time I've been going. Now that we're facing the IF battle again, I'm going to be rejoining the group.
Last weekend I had lunch with three ladies, two of which are in both groups, and received quite the shock. Both groups had taken up donations and gotten the most amazingly wonderful things for me and my little family. An engraved pocket watch for Jim, gourmet dog treats for Chesney, an Origami Owl locket for me, and windchimes that have "Too Beautiful For Earth" etched on it plus it plays "Amazing Grace". On top of that there was some funds left over that they generously donated to us. I think this weekend I might use a small portion to find some pants that fit right. Even though I'm at my pre pregnancy weight, I think my hips have moved and so now my pants from August don't fit. I'm stuck still wearing maternity clothes and its really upsetting. The rest of it will be going towards my tattoo. I'm still trying to decide what to get...thinking a dandelion but we'll see. There was also a handmade blanket from one of those ladies. I think that is my favorite out of everything. She said she made it for Jack when we found out he was a boy. I did get the baby blanket I ordered online but it was a bit too small and not very warm but THIS blanket is. I'm snuggling up with both blankets now :)
When I first opened the card at lunch, I wasn't even able to open the gifts in the bag. I'm still in shock at the outpouring of love from the IF community I belong to, its just so unreal. When I got home, Jim was still sleeping. I didn't even know what to do with myself so I just layed down on the couch and took a little nap. When Jim woke up and asked how my lunch with my friends went, I could barely even answer I just cried.
Well.... that's what I get I guess for not writing in a few days, an overload of info, thoughts, and updates!!! I'll try to be more proactive :)
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Still waiting... getting angry
I'm still waiting on Jack's autopsy. They said 30 days... today is the 44th day. I've called pretty much every hour on the hour the last two days and left three voicemails of which have gone unreturned. All I want is to know if its back yet, but apparently that is too complicated to call someone and say yes or no.
Yes, I understand there were an overabundance of stillborns that autopsies are being performed on..... and yes I understand this isn't as simple as a miscarriage chromosome test since my baby was a baby and these things take time to complete..... but I just want to know why he died. Seriously, is that too much to ask? I don't think so.
:::Sigh:::: Just another bunch of people that don't care about my baby I guess!
I'm going to sic Jim on them tomorrow... an overworked and overtired cop on midnights that can't sleep. They asked for it!!
Yes, I understand there were an overabundance of stillborns that autopsies are being performed on..... and yes I understand this isn't as simple as a miscarriage chromosome test since my baby was a baby and these things take time to complete..... but I just want to know why he died. Seriously, is that too much to ask? I don't think so.
:::Sigh:::: Just another bunch of people that don't care about my baby I guess!
I'm going to sic Jim on them tomorrow... an overworked and overtired cop on midnights that can't sleep. They asked for it!!
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