First things first.... Jack's autopsy is in. I asked Jim to call them on Thursday morning and sure as shit, they picked up the phone. He gave them my work fax number and asked them to send to me.
Besides the Dandy Walker, Jack was "developmentally appropriate for gestational age" from what they say. No chromosomal issues, all organs were normal and in their proper places, 10 fingers and 10 toes (yes it even did say that). He only had the Dandy Walker and, probably from my preeclampsia, was small for his size. They also mentioned that he had low set ears, not sure what that means since there were no chromosome issues.
So that's pretty much the answer but not an answer we were looking for. It doesn't seem likely that Jack's Dandy Walker was caused by a genetic issue so we've decided to forgo the PGD on our embryos for now as well as another fresh cycle, unless our FET doesn't work of course.
Which brings me to the troubling aspect. The preeclampsia. If Jack's problems didn't cause it then what did? I can't seem to wrap my finger around the reason for why I got it, but a small part of me thinks that God or whoever is up there gave Jack the DW to save me from the pre-e. If it weren't for that, we wouldn't have been at University of Chicago for a second opinion. I would have had a "normal" anatomy scan and went home to who knows what awaited. I could have died....or come very close, had I not been at U of C and that MFM sent me in for observation. For that much, I owe Jack my life. As for why it even happened in the first place is beyond me but I'm trying to come to grips with it.
Yesterday was 7 weeks without Jack and its so, so, very strange to think to myself that I should be 27 weeks right now. I should be big, feeling my baby kick, counting days until my 1st shower, and days until he arrives. Instead I'm in my normal clothes and counting calories to try and get as healthy as possible before trying this crazy stuff all over again.
Segue... LOL
On February 11th of 2013 , I met the RE that helped me conceive Jack. After failing my 3rd IVF cycle at Northwestern I sought out as many other 2nd opinions as possible. I honestly would have talked to a few other REs if it weren't for the fact that this day last year I also was offered a job. I didn't want to start out a new job by taking time off for doctor appointments. As it turns out, it worked out for the best. After spending 18 months at NW with that RE without even having the slightest hint of a second line, I was pregnant 6 months after my initial consultation with Dr. Oz.
Starting this process over again its...different. I'm hopeful that we can get our 2nd BFP from just the one FET cycle. After all that we've been through, I hope and pray that this time around is simple.
I want a baby in that crib upstairs, I want a baby to wear those clothes in the closet, I want a baby to poop up the months worth of diapers I've bought, I want a baby here in my arms.
My last topic for this post is for my 75 and Resolve ladies. I've been a part of an online support group for a little over two years now. I've met some of these ladies, I'm friends in real life with some of them even, but a good portion I haven't met and unless we win the lotto and have means to travel I may never meet them all. However, they are the most supportive and loving group and I'm so happy to have been a part of it so long. Also, before I gotten pregnant I was an active part of my local Resolve support group. I've built some great ties of friendship with quite a few of them as well over the time I've been going. Now that we're facing the IF battle again, I'm going to be rejoining the group.
Last weekend I had lunch with three ladies, two of which are in both groups, and received quite the shock. Both groups had taken up donations and gotten the most amazingly wonderful things for me and my little family. An engraved pocket watch for Jim, gourmet dog treats for Chesney, an Origami Owl locket for me, and windchimes that have "Too Beautiful For Earth" etched on it plus it plays "Amazing Grace". On top of that there was some funds left over that they generously donated to us. I think this weekend I might use a small portion to find some pants that fit right. Even though I'm at my pre pregnancy weight, I think my hips have moved and so now my pants from August don't fit. I'm stuck still wearing maternity clothes and its really upsetting. The rest of it will be going towards my tattoo. I'm still trying to decide what to get...thinking a dandelion but we'll see. There was also a handmade blanket from one of those ladies. I think that is my favorite out of everything. She said she made it for Jack when we found out he was a boy. I did get the baby blanket I ordered online but it was a bit too small and not very warm but THIS blanket is. I'm snuggling up with both blankets now :)
When I first opened the card at lunch, I wasn't even able to open the gifts in the bag. I'm still in shock at the outpouring of love from the IF community I belong to, its just so unreal. When I got home, Jim was still sleeping. I didn't even know what to do with myself so I just layed down on the couch and took a little nap. When Jim woke up and asked how my lunch with my friends went, I could barely even answer I just cried.
Well.... that's what I get I guess for not writing in a few days, an overload of info, thoughts, and updates!!! I'll try to be more proactive :)
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