Tomorrow is July

July means I'm in my FET month with only weeks to go. It also means that by this time next month headed into August, I could be pregnant again....or I might not. I'm feeling a little like Schrodinger's cat right now and its not helping my anxiety levels. I knew I'd feel apprehensive once I got pregnant again but its coming in waves already and I'm still 2.5 weeks out from transfer. It's astounding how quickly the emotions come and change , they wax and wane from excitement to pure fear in the matter of a few minutes which usually brings me to tears....usually while I'm on the highway.

Anyways... I leave you with this funny picture.

AmIDoneYetAmIDoneYetAmIDoneYet?????

No more Lupron please, no, don't wanna..... I feel like a kid constantly having temper tantrums because of this med. I'm supposed to take it between 7pm-9pm each night. The first few nights I was good about getting it done around 7pm....then procrastination hit and it turned into ehhhh, 8pm. Then, I'm sitting on the couch looking at my phone...9pm already? Uffff.. Which has now turned into, "I think 7pm-9pm is just a jumping off point, 9:30pm is ok too". Good thing I don't have much longer or I might be getting into the 10pm range soon!!

My only possible saving grace with still having at least another week but probably closer to two weeks left is that they've now decreased my dosage from 10 units down to 5units. Praise Jeeeesus!!! I'm going bat shit crazy and its not even funny. Here is my story from yesterday, and if you remember last year when I  "lost a loaf of bread" this one is 10 times more awfully crazy.

So yesterday I went to a freezer meal workshop and was so excited to finally do this. I kinda wanted to do it last year when I got pregnant so that I could avoid having to cook and have something good, quick and healthy but never got around to it. So when I was invited to this party I was so excited to get a chance to try this!!!  I was right, it was super fun and super easy and I got to take all the spices and oils home with me for future use. I brought a cooler filled with pre-prepped meats and veggies and came home with 10 bags full of ready to cook meals. Only thing is... not all the bags made it into the freezer in the basement.

I pulled the car into the garage.... unloaded the cooler....realizing I'd never be able to carry it down stairs to our 1st basement then down more stairs to the 2nd basement where the fridge/freezer was, I put it at the top of the stairs leading down from the garage and started just carrying bags to the freezer. Well... I made two trips and after my second trip I went upstairs and unloaded the dirty dishes I had from the party and put away my new spices. I went about my business that night and eventually went to bed. Jim worked half a double so he got home at 3am when I was abruptly woken up by him "talking very loudly" about meat in the garage. WHen I "came to" and tried understanding what he was talking about I realized I had apparently left three bags of meat in the cooler....still at the top of the stairs.....still open.....in the hot garage ..... for , oh ...10 hours? Yeah. Mmmmm that smelled delicious.

Guess I have three meals to remake....good thing I have recipes for them!!

Oh Lupron, I hate you so!!!!

Baseline and a little bit of faith

Last year when I had my baseline my e2 was <20 and my lining was at a 2mm... so I started the Estrace and went on my way only to have AF show anyways 8 days later on my birthday!!!  I had really thought that had set me back because I had spent time with the Estrace to build the lining and then it starts to shed, WTF?!?

Today's appointment my e2 was 21 and my lining was a 6.55, kinda crazy that its that thick. To think... my lining was only a 6.9 when I started the PIO to prep for transfer, technically I guess they can do my FET next week, LOL . Kidding kidding.

I have to also kinda wonder if my lining had something to do with the preeclampsia?? They say it can be caused by placental insufficiency so maybe my lining wasn't sufficient enough to support a growing pregnancy and caused the placenta to start failing? I don't know but I'd feel better this time around having a more decent lining so I guess I'm off to a good start. I'm starting my Estrace tonight at the daily 1mg dose. I'll do that for 5 days, then increase to 1mg twice a day for 4 days but I have a lining check next Saturday. I'm glad she's letting me come in on Saturday so I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to get bloodwork and u/s. That really bites.

On a side note, my relationship with God has been strained even before Jack but much much moreso after losing him. Yet, for some reason I've found myself asking God for help with things lately and so far have had two unusual things happen. First, I secretly had prayed for AF to come before I started Estrace. I asked "God, please please just let me get AF like I'm supposed to so I can be on a normal schedule for this transfer. I just want things to go right this time" And there is was an hour after I had claimed and argued to the nurses that it wasn't coming, there it was, just as I'd prayed for.

Then today, I had gone to a freezer meal workshop in the afternoon. When I come home from work I don't feel like cooking so having an easy peasy meal to make that's healthy is a great idea. Well, I came home quite tired from being on my feet putting the meals together and so I was sitting on the couch relaxing when I realized it started pouring but the sun was out!!! Oh my goodness, maybe there's a rainbow.... I went out in the rain in our backyard to look. No rainbow. How could it be pouring with the sun out and still have no rainbow? I started to cry because how am I supposed to have a rainbow if a rainbow cant even come out in a sunshower? Then again I even said outloud, "God please send me a rainbow". Still no rainbow in sight.

I went back into the house and was pretty upset until.... I decided I didn't give this rainbow 100% since I only looked in the backyard. I put my shoes on and went out in the front yard instead. The second I got down the sidewalk to where I could see the sky, this is what my eyes landed on. Again my prayer was answered. I'm hopeful we can keep this thing going me and God since all I want is a healthy and happy baby to take home alive and well with me. Oh, please please please.

 

Last night I thought AF would kill me

I had a really nice evening yesterday after work. My friend who lives in Louisville was coming home from a trip to Europe and was staying a night at his parents house before headed back home. Since his parents live 2 minutes from my house we decided to go get a bite to eat. We went to the bar in town that Jim and I frequent and I ordered my usual...chicken rice soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Nothing unusual...but when I got home around 930ish my stomach was doing flip flops. I just figured it was nothing, took my Lupron and went to bed. Around 2am I was abruptly awakened by the worst cramps ever. I'm not exaggerated they were so bad it was like labor pains all over again. Which only made things worse to wake up in the middle of the night and think you're in labor only to realize , oh wait...

I tried to wait it out but I eventually had to get out of bed. I tried going to the bathroom hoping that would help and at first I thought it did so I went back to bed. I no sooner got under the covers (I also was sweating yet freezing and felt as if I had a fever)  then it all started up again. I headed back to the bathroom and was stuck there for quite awhile with my head stuck in the toilet.

To make matters worse I had to open the office at work all this week so I had to be up and out the door in a few hours yet here I was stuck lying on the bathroom floor shivering and clutching my stomach. After a few yacks, I just forced myself to go back to bed. Thankfully I was able to fall back asleep but I was convinced with those massive cramps that AF would be there when I woke up.

The alarm went off way too soon.... I was afraid to move, except.... I felt great. Tired, but great. Also, no AF. Hmph. What was that all about then.

When I got to the office I called the RE's office to let them know, per my flowsheet , that AF hadn't arrived yet. The nurse tells me, Oh well we should give it a week how about you come on Monday for bloodwork and ultrasound. I was having that and eventually got my way and scheduled an appt. for tomorrow morning instead.

About an hour after I hung up with the office, I ran to the bathroom before stepping into what I suspected to be and was correct, a long meeting. Umm....whats this. Holy shit... AF is here. I must have scared her out afterall!

So hopefully they aren't mad at me tomorrow but oh well what can you do.

The cycle mirror ends today

http://whereisbabypayne.blogspot.com/2013/06/er-dayhurray.html


I happened to randomly notice awhile back that this FET cycle was mirroring my last fresh IVF cycle last year. I started stims on the same day as I started the Lupron...ironic isn't it? That cycle gave me Jack indirectly. While the two that were transferred from this cycle didn't make it, the frozen embryo that was created during that cycle did. I hope that its a good luck omen that this FET cycle so far has been coinciding with it.

Today however, the cycle mirror stops as last year this day was my ER date. Last year tomorrow I was starting to feel the effects of the OHSS and by last year's day after tomorrow I found out I would have been in the hospital if I didn't come in. I'm not surprised the ET didn't work!!!

Right now I'm still awaiting my dear friend AF to show. I keep running to the bathroom at work feeling squishy and sure she'll be there waiting for me but nope she's taking her time. She had until tomorrow to show her face so looks like I'm still on track for a Saturday start to my Estrace , oh well that's fine.

I know its silly to try and plan things that you have no control over, but a funny little point is that if this cycle is exactly like my FET last year (same number of days on Estrace and transfer on Friday the week of projected transfer) then, should it be a success, my first ultrasound at 5w1d would literally be on my birthday. I've requested the day off ...either way I'm not going to be able to work in any type of a productive manner that day so I better just stay home.

Time is going by quickly I feel like before I know it I'm going to wake up and it'll be transfer day... Yikes.

Happy 1/2 Birthday Baby

My little Jack Jack was born 6 months ago today. I didn't want to even blog today but what kind of a mother would I be if I didn't acknowledge the saddest worst day of my life yet the life that has made me a mother for which I'm eternally grateful?

I am starting to despise the term "angelversary", which is why I can today Jack's 1/2 birthday. What is a birthday? Literally speaking its your day of birth... being alive after the birth does not disqualify you from that being the day you were birthed into the world. Therefore, today is Jack's 1/2 birthday.

6 months ago today he had been gone nearly 12 hours and I was in recovery drugged up after my D&C. December 23rd, 2013 was by far the worst day of my existence. Worse than any relative dying, worse than the day I found out my Mom had cancer and was on her way to get a major organ removed, no , this day will be etched and burned into my brain right straight through to my core of being. There is no way to remove this nor do I want to.

I've become more aware of the fragility of life and feel like I've been given an opportunity to appreciate things more. People may have an idea of what us loss mom's have/are going through but unless you have walked this road you have no idea.

Today is also the last day of my bcp....which is an ironic twist of fate of the calendar. Also ironically I finally had a negative beta last month on the 23rd as well. Sometimes I think my little boy is watching out for me and trying to help his sibling get here a little easier. I'm "anxiously" awaiting AF now so that I can start my Estrace but regardless of if she shows or not this week I'll be starting it by the weekend. Approximately 3 weeks from now should be my transfer....maybe sooner maybe later depending on how things go with lining checks.

I have such mixed feelings. I want another baby but I want my Jack too. I long for the day when a baby gets put in my arms and he/she is breathing and pink and screaming his/her lungs out because he/she is mad its not as warm in the world as it was inside. My poor Jack, he didn't get to even meet me this day 6 months ago he was wisked away never to be seen again. I hope he can forgive me. Jim and I talked about him the other day... I wonder when I get to heaven if he will be a little baby still or do people age accordingly up there? Or maybe you're just a little flicker of light and everyone is the same up there. Either way... I wonder if I'll be able to find him/he find me? Don't forget me Jack , hopefully not for a long long time but I will see you someday.

XOXO,
Mommy

I'm having a night...

I just am really feeling consumed with a lot of sadness and every once and awhile it just hits me. Tonight is one of those nights...

Monday is Jack's 6 month angelversary and I also stop the BCP that same day and await AF so I can start taking the Estrace.

We're getting close to the 1 year anniversary also of my friend Jen's passing. In just two short weeks will be the 1 year anniversary of the last time I saw her alive. She invited me to her son's birthday party the following day but I was too tired from the party we had that night so I didn't go. She was gone a month later.

I'm an emotional turmoil mess these days. I'm listening to sad country and sad rock ballad songs and having a good cry.

Anywho...

At the risk of sounding crazy, and I don't really care if you think I am at this point, but I think maybe one or both of them are here sometimes with me. Funny things happen, like the TV remote goes missing for a week ... I mean, where does it go?? LOL

A few weeks ago Chesney and I were playing in the living room and I heard a "dunk" noise. I went into the kitchen and had discovered that one of my shot glasses had randomly fallen from the 2nd shelf on the hutch, remained unbroken, and was rolling around under the kitchen table. Funny thing was that of all the shot glasses I have (I have a collection) it was the one from Hell, LOL. When we were on our cruise we went to Hell in the Cayman Islands,  it says "I went to hell" or something like that.

Then the other night, I have a flower vase that has little candle holders and votives in a branch like pattern. Well... I moved it onto the floor to make room for my coupons and have just left it there under the piano bench. The other night I was in the kitchen and heard a little  "dink" noise. I went into the living room and one of the glass holders had fallen off its place and landed perfectly upside down on the ground next to the vase. Only thing is, if it had been knocked off maybe by Chesney (?) it wouldn't have flipped upside down it would have rolled on its side.

I can't help but think/hope maybe either Jack or Jen...or maybe Jen helping Jack.... stop by to say hello the only way they can?

I thought the shot glass was pretty humorous :) 

I'm in need of a reminder lately...

I've considered this song to be my "Infertility Theme Song" if you will. It's been under wraps for awhile but given the circumstances and I'm in need of a little positivity and an emotional pick me up....we will have to reblog about my song.

Even more so than ever do I find that I connect with this song on so many levels.

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

Oh so your standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down...

Jack is my storm and my grief over his loss is so consuming at times I don't know how to even get through it...

 Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

This is my hope for our future. A way out of the storm and a little reprieve from our heartache.

 

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door,
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'
I'm trying to convince myself that this won't happen again. My new rose is this FET next month...even though there are still thorns on the rose I'm willing to risk pricking my finger on one.

 

 Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

Hopefully Jack will have a sibling and although the storm will have run out of rain, we will still have the clouds in the background but a little rainbow to light the way through them

 It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

I want to be free and I want this awful feeling to go away yet at the same time it keeps me grounded and keeping Jack's memory here on Earth. I'm praying for less sting and less pain but not completely to go away.

 Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna set you free,
It's gonna run out of pain,
And set you free

Gary Allan , you are a poetic genius :)

Throwback Thursday Blog Style

http://whereisbabypayne.blogspot.com/2013/06/night-6is-this-shiz-over-yet.html


How ironic that this date last year was my 6th night of stims for my IVF cycle that would give me my frosties....and tonight is also the 6th night of suppression for my upcoming FET cycle. My stomach looks just as bruised which is funny because I'm only taking two shots a day not four like I was last year. :::Le sigh:::

Ok, I have a confession to make. I've considered not putting this in writing because its so insane but oh well... I am a little insane these days.

Two weekends ago I had a dream that I was holding a positive FRER. It was a creepy dream though since I never ever ever have dreamt of getting a BFP so maybe, just maybe this is a good sign???  At any rate though, in my dream I was looking at the FRER and said, "I only had my transfer two days ago....omg I think its twins" .... so yeah, where are the cookies?? I'm really freaked out,  I still have time to change to a SET right? LOL

Ashes, Ashes, we all .....stand up?

I stopped into Walgreens after work and there was this little girl singing little snippets of  "Ring Around the Rosy" over and over except she kept singing, "Ashes, ashes we all stand up" instead of we all fall down. How apropos.... maybe we should just all stand up instead of falling down. Sounds like a good idea to me!

At any rate, I picked up my entire pack of BCP so that I can have the last 3 that I need. They expire in July 2015 so too early to use them for a 3rd baby and I'm really really , no I mean really, hoping there isn't a 3rd FET unless we're trying for a 3rd baby. Oh god, I get sick just thinking about it. Barf. I also picked up some Miralax because apparently my body is already moving into pregnancy mode...awesome. Its like the migraine that hit before the Lupron even started!  I'm backed up before the embryo is even transferred, what the hell!!!

Tonight is night 5 of my Lupron and Lovenox and of course I'm already tired of taking both of these meds and realized since I had a long way to go maybe I'd just count the potential days left and see if that helped. So... Lupron= between 17 and 25 days ....   Lovenox= anywhere from 5 weeks to 50 weeks.

No.

That doesn't help.

I'm opening the bag of cookies.

IF World problems

So I'm overlapping the Lupron with the BCP for 10 days... so I'm in the bathroom dumping all my pills into the pill container (yes I'm like an old person with the M,T,W,TH, F, SA, SU container with one for AM and one for PM) , when I realized that I only have 7 bcp left. LOL ... seriously? So guess I'm refilling my prescription since I'm 3 pills short of the 10 days.

::sigh:: 

If this is the greatest problem I have this cycle I'll take it!!   



Oh and here is a nice picture of me now.... since the cycle has started, all diets are off, LOL

Its heeeeere....

(Said in a Michelle Tanner voice)

Half an hour after I got off the phone with Cigna last night I got a migraine, like a killer migraine from outer space migraine. It was almost like my body was like, "Huhhhhh??? Somebody say Luuuupron??? ....Boom migraine time".

Come on!!!!!!!!!!   I haven't even started it yet!!!  LOL

Until tonight that is....

So I came home from my Resolve meeting and the box was on our front porch. I was so excited like a normal woman would be when her shoes she ordered came in. Naww, I'm excited about Leuprolide Acetate, Yahoo!!!!  LOL

At any rate, I of course had to take a picture to add to my marvelous collection of never ending IF treatment cycle pictures, aint it Purdy? Also here are some pics of the medication infestation that has begun in my bathroom again. I finally thought I got rid of it but the sneaky bastards found there way back in somehow!!

Jim and I went to his parents house for an early Fathers Day BBQ. We had to leave a little early and cut into Scrabble time so I could get home and take my first Lupron shot between 7-9 tonight. Oh well...here goes nothing, FET #2 here we come!

The Lupron is coming, the Lupron is coming!!

Oh my what a day, what . a. day!!!

I had my post operative appointment today with the NP at the RE's office. Apparently the polypoid that was removed was NOT a placental polyp like I so self diagnosed myself with. It was "fragements of glandular and stromal tissue" which basically just means normal uterine lining just clumped. Hmmm, but since that was clear I'm given the green light to start Lupron!

They don't normally keep compounds laying around so I had to order the meds and wait for them to arrive rather than "borrowing" and paying it back later. So, I talked to Cigna pharmacy this evening and we're all set for a delivery of Lupron and PIO tomorrow sometime. OMG. I'm back on Lupron tomorrow!!! Here's the plan...

Lupron and BCP (already been on them)  overlap for 10 days ... until June 23rd.

Stop the BCP and wait for a little AF/Withdrawal bleed (usually around 3 days they say), although last year the withdrawl seemed to not be happening so I skipped that step and it surprised me on my birthday instead. Not this year AF, think again bish!!

Provided its 3 days later...go in for baseline and labs and start the Estrace around the 26th

Gradually increase the mg of the Estrace until lining is ready and FET should be somewhere in the week of the 14th so provided this FET works , I should hopefully hear a baby's heart beating on or pretty close to my birthday this year. ::::gasp::::


Ok so this is all seemingly going smoothly and that is great however, its really sinking in now that this FET is happening. When I left the RE's office after my post-op "Brave" by Sara Bareilles was on the radio. That song always makes me think of my friend Jen passing away last year right before I got pregnant with Jack. It reminds me of that time frame and I kept always thinking to myself last year that I had to be brave myself to get through her wake and funeral. To hear that song randomly just sent me back into sob-land since this summer is similar to last summer in so many ways that its really scaring me. I know this sounds funny but.... Rascal Flatts is in town this weekend and I saw them last year before my FET, an IRL bump friend is having an FET and I'm sure it will work for her and last year another IRL bump friend got pregnant the month before me too, the transfer is only a month earlier than last year. Its just feeling very similar and I'm hoping and praying no matter how similar this all feels to me that its not a sign that my next baby wont come home too.

Ok enough crazy talking, I need to enjoy my last night free from Lupron before the nightly shots and cray cray Kate comes back.....yes that means I'm going to have some ice cream :)

Bulletproof

I was watching an old video of Jim and I dancing to this with that Xbox Dance game. It was pretty hilarious.... well, watching him of course, not me, I'm an awesome dancer. Contain your snickering! LOL

This song is how I wish I could be and what I hope to return to when pregnant again. When I was pregnant with Jack I felt like I WAS bulletproof. Going through Clomid, IUIs, multiple IVF cycle and a FET to finally get that second pink line.... no way was anything happening to me or that baby. Guess I forgot to put on the bulletproof vest because the bullets of "anything can happen" shot right through me to my core. I'm changed , I'm different, I'm unbelievably cynical about babies and the world in general. You might say I have this strange awareness about death and while it may be morbid, at least my eyes have been opened to the world where nothing can be taken for granted.

Ok , ok.... with that attitude it will be a long pregnancy so I'm trying to not feel "bulletproof" because I understand that cannot be completely. However, I will try to accept the fact that I'm not bulletproof and cannot control what lies ahead.

Try being the key word !!

Meeting with the MFM

I made a pre-conception consultation appointment with the MFM that first diagnosed Jack with his Dandy Walker. At first I was so intent on making everything different for a future pregnancy including all new doctors maybe a new hospital but then I really thought about it.... I put a TON of time and effort into researching my care providers for Jack and if I thought they were good enough for him then why not another baby? With that in mind, I needed to meet with that MFM who first saw me just to make sure I knew what I was doing so we're all on the same page.

Have to say... I was in such a great mood after leaving her office and actually (maybe...possibly... a little bit) excited about getting pregnant again. Kind of like "I can bring home a baby, hear me roar" kind of feeling!! 

Basically here is a summary of what we talked about:

- Jack may have had some very rare genetic disorder that was so rare its not even known about how to test for. This in turn could have caused my pre-e... regardless, the reoccurrence would be sooooooooo unlikely it wouldn't be cause for concern.

- Perhaps I do have APA, although I did tell her I was tested twice and came back normal. However, if that were the case (as that is like the main reason for Pre-e and HELLP this early) it would be treated with Lovenox and baby aspirin. Well...already doing that so boom, roasted.

-Maybe the Dandy Walker caused the IUGR which in turn with the placental insufficiency caused the pre-e to come on. In which case again, the reoccurrence is so very low for this to happen again its not of concern.

-If the Dandy Walker and pre-e were two separate and unexplainable events then I'm just going to be monitored very closely starting at 12 weeks with weekly MFM scans to monitor the baby's brain development and also my bp/proteins. If pre-e comes back without the platelet issues or liver enzyme issues we can buy a few weeks with bed rest and blood pressure meds so we would just have to hope in this scenario that the pre-e struck later in 2nd trimester or early 3rd.

That was my appointment in a nutshell. I feel a lot better after meeting with her and getting this plan of action set in place. Also , I asked her what her thoughts on twins were since the other MFM suggested selective reduction. While she did say transferring two is protocol to ultimately end up with ONE baby... she would NOT suggest selective reduction for twins I would just have to be monitored THAT much more closely. Before she gave me her opinion on it I flat out told her... I don't want twins but if we get twins I'm having twins. I'm not killing another one of my babies. Soooo, yeah glad she's not on the SR page with the other guy!

Friday is my post op appointment from my hysteroscopy last week. I'm anxious to get a move on things and get this over with. My meds are being sent for approval to the insurance company but I've already got the Estradiol, aspirin, and Lovenox ready. All I need is that Lupron and I'm good to go!!! 

This all seems so surreal!!!

Giggle giggle... test post!

Hysteroscopy finally done...

After nearly 3 months of anticipation of the status of my ute was I finally got to (sorta) find out yesterday!

We actually got there a little early and so they took us back right away and I started getting dressed in the uber cool surgical attire. Here I am looking purdy and not quite sure I want to be there...

The anesthesiologist came in to chat with us a little bit and then started my IV. First try this time, I was so happy!  I think he was the same guy on staff for my ER last year too, who also got me on the first stick. Pretty sure he deserves a medal for that!!

Wasn't long after that they came to wheel me to the OR. I've been in this same procedure room many times as its the same room they do ER, ET, HSN/HSG, etc..... however, this is the first time I'd been in this room where the lights were all on. Being wheeled into a room with the bright white lights I started having flashbacks of being wheeled into the OR for my D&C after having Jack. I tried to keep it together but the tears won. It was cute because the surgical nurse thought I was crying because I was worried about the procedure and kept telling me its going to be ok. Granted, yes I was nervous about the procedure but the tears were for different reasons. The anesthesiologist said, "Here's a little something to calm you down"....to which I replied something to the effect of "Oh I'm just happy to not be at work right now....." and that's the last thing I remember. Oh Versed, I heart you.

Anywho, I woke up in recovery and Jim was there. He said he talked to the RE briefly and was told they got everything out and it was like a polyp but that's all he could remember him saying. I asked if the RE could come back in and tell me, so when he came back in I found out I didn't actually have retained tissue afterall, I had a "polypoid" which means it had features of a polyp but wasn't necessarily a polyp. He sent what he could off to pathology to test it out, but in his opinion he said he didn't care what it was as long as it was gone. My ute is sparkling clean now!! :)

So next realization as the meds started wearing off....I had a cath in me, Ahhhh!!!!  So apparently the fluid they were pushing through me was flushing out too fast and they ended up filling me with about 3,000 cc of fluid. While I laid in bed in recovery, the bag only filled up to about 1,000 meaning there was still 2,000 cc left up in me. The nurse pulled the cath and got me a can of 7up and wanted me to try and go to the bathroom. Until I went, I couldn't go home. After a few minutes, I didn't really feel like I had to go but I wanted to try so that I could go home!!  Well....only a little splash came out. Back to the recovery room I went and after a second can of 7up and almost 30minute later, my next trip to the bathroom resulted in only a splash as well. The anesthesiologist said that I obviously was recovered from the medication and since a splash was coming out that my bladder was working , it was just that the fluid needed to be absorbed by my abdominal wall and circulated out which could take a few hours. They sent me home and told me I could expect to have this flood of fluid coming peeing out of me soon.

Sooo... I went home. Jim helped me around the house a little bit but he had to go to work so my MIL came over. We watched the ID channel and Dr. Phil, she did some dishes, took the dog for a walk and bought me ice cream :)  She's a great babysitter, lol  :)  Chesney found a comfy spot by me and kept a good eye on me as well.

At any rate, the whole night I still was bloated and uncomfortable and found it hard to get a good breath. Eventually I just went to bed and she went home. It was a tough night sleeping as I had to essentially sleep sitting up but soon enough morning came. Yup, still bloated. All day today I've been stuck on the couch. Any more movement than that and I'm short of breath so the couch and me have gotten very close today.

This morning I had a realization that this feeling was very similar to my OHSS that I had last year. The only thing that made it go away was massive amounts of Kellogg's protein shakes and glassfuls of apple juice.  I sent Jim out to get me some protein shakes and apple juice and me thinks its working. Slow but sure..... at least I'm actually peeing now. I'm going to have to worry about my diet later as for now I'm going to be ingesting 170 calories x 8-10 bottles until this goes away. LOL

Here is a picture of me earlier looking very pregnant yet very NOT pregnant. I'll have to take an after picture once the bloat goes away but this pic is pretty scary...

My post op appt. is on Friday the 13th and according to the nurse I spoke with today, she still thinks a June FET is possible. As long as the BCP and Lupron overlap for 10 days we're in the clear. We'll see !

12 more hours!!

Until this is over... I'm so excited to get this done and over with. I really don't like being put under so I'm not nervous or anxious about what they find in there I'm nervous about being put under anesthesia. Ok, bloggy confession time. In case you haven't realized this yet? I'm a severe control freak... yes, yes I admit it. Its bad. I mean, I don't even like the act of falling asleep at night because those are countless hours I'm totally unconscious and not aware whats going on. Its horrifiying. So you can imagine ... If I don't even like going to sleep at night, having to be put under anesthesia is not the most pleasant thing to deal with. I keep reminding myself though about my 4 IVF retrievals and it was ok and the nap from the drugs was worth it. I'm going with that!!

Its been a loooooong week. I went in Wednesday for my CBC which is required by the RE's office before a hysteroscopy. There is an u/s tech that normally was out in their other office but she draws blood too. I had her once before with Jack and she wasn't great getting my blood. She was there another morning at the office but thankfully the other techs were there and able to draw me. However, Wednesday morning? Not quite so lucky as she was the only tech with a room full of women to draw. She moved the tourniquet a bazillion times and wasn't finding anything. It wasn't on that tight plus she was only lightly brushing my skin trying to find a vein. With MY veins, you'll be there a long time doing it that way. She asked me if I drank any water that morning because I was probably too dehydrated. I explained that she needed to smack my skin to get them to pop and water didn't work for me. However, she continued to brush around my skin and moving the tourniquet. Finally she found one, it didn't work. She was clearly irritated and said she was getting me water. She came back with a Styrofoam cup full of water and took the next person waiting. Uhhh, yeah....well now that I'm back on the BCP I'm getting really irritable and was in no mood for this. I chugged the water and threw it (from my seat) into the wastepaper basket (2 points!!) , started alternating between shaking my hands downward and smacking my own hands to get the veins to pop. Low and behold.... there they were! By the time she came back, the good vein on my right hand looked pretty decent so she went for that one. I'm pretty sure she purposely made that draw painful because its never hurt that bad. Matter of fact, today (two days later) I feel like my whole hand is bruised not just the spot she drew from. Anywho, if that was her real technique and it was just that crappy then I'm going to have to go back to CC and get an A.A. in phlebotomy so I can just draw my own samples from now on, lol. I'm only half kidding about that too....

After that horrific experience I headed back to work to wait for the results to be posted....oh yeah, and to maybe work too, haha. Last year when I first started with this RE, bloodwork would always be posted by around 11am or noon. NOW??  I'm lucky if its up by 2pm and get a call by 4pm. Ok , granted they're not calling me with pregnancy betas so maybe (hopefully) they're getting those calls and posted first and dealing with the miscellaneous calls and labs like mine afterwards.

Remember that control issue? Well.... I obsessively refresh my patient portal to get CBC results can you even remotely imagine my issues with waiting until 2pm for a BETA?!?  LOL look out world!!!  So yeah, speaking of obsessively refreshing.... that's what I did all afternoon yesterday, into all evening, and still no results posted. I started freaking out. "What if they lost my sample?!?"  "What if the tech messed it up.... I think I remember seeing TWO purple tubes but she only drew one!!!"  "I better not get there Friday and have them tell me the surgery is cancelled!!!".  I called the office this morning and they assured me that sometimes CBC labs can be posted the following day.... mmmm, ok, this is my 4th CBC at this office and its never been the next day but whatever. Then the rest of my morning and afternoon were spent refreshing some more....until finally.... they were posted!!!  I printed them out and compared them to my CBC from March (hysteroscopy take #1) and they look ok to me. Of course, I also Googled "Normal CBC levels" just to be sure and compared both labs to what I found. Looks good!


On a happier note, we got our results back from Counsyl and it was 100% normal. Partially relieved and sad all in one. Relieved that we don't have to do another Fresh cycle with PGD and delay this any longer. Sad that we still don't have any answers for Jack and I made a promise to him that I'd do my best to find out what happened to him. On one hand its good that nothing popped on the test but on the other hand, if Jack's issues were a genetic issue than that means it was so rare that they don't even test for it !!  I'm not going to worry about that right now though I'm trying to focus on getting Jack a sibling and I can get lost in genetic mutation articles and journals online for the rest of my life, its not bringing him back. The one upsetting thing to me was that the PROP-1 mutation didn't pop either , which I was hoping was going to be my explanation for my endocrine issues. My endocrinologist could only give me a best guess that PROP-1 mutation was my diagnosis. Since now we know its not, then what the f**k is wrong with my body then?!?

At any rate, I'm glad we're moving along and doing everything in our powers to be knowledgable and advocate for ourselves and future children. We know so much more now than we ever thought or would care to know about genes and mutations and whatevers.

On that note, I'll update this weekend as I can with results from tomorrow's hysteroscopy. Hopefully its quick and simple and I'm cleaning house this weekend. If not, I've got a bottle of T3 with my name on them....literally, LOL

Countdown to Hysterscopy

I'm getting anxious to have this thing done. I'm very susceptible to suggestions so now that I think I have tissue/a fibroid or polyp I'm getting a lot of cramping and back pain the last two days. I'm pretty sure its all in my mind like, "I should be in pain...." so my mind is creating it for me like, "Oh ok, there it is".  Who knows!

Also, I realized that you can sign up for an online account with Counsyl and can see the results from the test online. Well....mine aren't in yet so now I just have one more OCD thing to do over the next few days. Refresh. Refresh. Refre....is that it??? Oh, no....sh.

LOL , sometimes its better to just wait for the doctor to call!!! Oh well too late, I'm a lost cause now!

I'm looking forward to having another four day work week. Friday I'm going to medically induced nap all day....mmmm, its gonna be nice :)