I am starting to despise the term "angelversary", which is why I can today Jack's 1/2 birthday. What is a birthday? Literally speaking its your day of birth... being alive after the birth does not disqualify you from that being the day you were birthed into the world. Therefore, today is Jack's 1/2 birthday.
6 months ago today he had been gone nearly 12 hours and I was in recovery drugged up after my D&C. December 23rd, 2013 was by far the worst day of my existence. Worse than any relative dying, worse than the day I found out my Mom had cancer and was on her way to get a major organ removed, no , this day will be etched and burned into my brain right straight through to my core of being. There is no way to remove this nor do I want to.
I've become more aware of the fragility of life and feel like I've been given an opportunity to appreciate things more. People may have an idea of what us loss mom's have/are going through but unless you have walked this road you have no idea.
Today is also the last day of my bcp....which is an ironic twist of fate of the calendar. Also ironically I finally had a negative beta last month on the 23rd as well. Sometimes I think my little boy is watching out for me and trying to help his sibling get here a little easier. I'm "anxiously" awaiting AF now so that I can start my Estrace but regardless of if she shows or not this week I'll be starting it by the weekend. Approximately 3 weeks from now should be my transfer....maybe sooner maybe later depending on how things go with lining checks.
I have such mixed feelings. I want another baby but I want my Jack too. I long for the day when a baby gets put in my arms and he/she is breathing and pink and screaming his/her lungs out because he/she is mad its not as warm in the world as it was inside. My poor Jack, he didn't get to even meet me this day 6 months ago he was wisked away never to be seen again. I hope he can forgive me. Jim and I talked about him the other day... I wonder when I get to heaven if he will be a little baby still or do people age accordingly up there? Or maybe you're just a little flicker of light and everyone is the same up there. Either way... I wonder if I'll be able to find him/he find me? Don't forget me Jack , hopefully not for a long long time but I will see you someday.
XOXO,
Mommy
Happy 6 month birthday. I hate the term angelversary as well. I can't even explain why, but I just can't stand it. I wonder about whether Conner and Ben will be little babies when I see them again as well... I honestly think they will be! And maybe Jack will be too and you'll have eternity to snuggle up with a baby!
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