Oh yeah, a beta update...

Still positive, sorry, but... its down to 6.54

Last week my RE's office had me all paranoid when it came back elevated again and they said they were sending it off to another lab. When I checked my portal to confirm my appointment it said "hyperglycosylated hcg". So of course I went right to Google.

Everything for the most part that came up was related to GTD (gestational trophoblastic disease) or some sort of hcg producing tumor/cancer. Awesome... so I panicked for a few days about that thought but decided to step away from Google and just see what happened on Wednesday.

When I got to the RE's office the lab tech mentioned that #1 this lab might cost $700 and #2 the place they were sending it he wasn't sure even ran this lab anymore. Ummm, ok? First of all, the price should have been mentioned last week when this lab was scheduled and two, how are you just researching this now the morning of my lab? At any rate, they drew two vials.... I thought one was for their lab and the other was for Quest. While I was partially right, one lab did get tested at their office (that was the 6.54 lab) the other one didn't go to Quest it got sent to New Mexico. I've been assured by the nurse that this wont be a charge so we best not be getting a $700 bill in the mail. That was Wednesday and I'm still waiting for the results. If its negative, we'll proceed with the hysteroscopy in the next week or so. If its positive they want me to keep coming in for bloodwork until its zero.... obviously I'd be going in for a long long time with that option. In which case, I'd be on the hunt for a new doctor to figure this all out.

Since my hcg likes to spike every 4 weeks apparently, no OPK and no "TTC" going on over here until beta is zero or close to it and this hysteroscopy is done. If my hcg spikes again then I want to be sure its doing it on its own and not have to be wondering or wracking my brain about it being a c/p... Ain't nobody got time for that.

In other news... we're ending NIAW already and next week starts Preeclampsia Awareness Month. A whole month! Since that's my new cause to support I've been working on building up info...maybe I will post the 178 common genes linked to Pre-e/HELLP!!!  Take a little browse see if you have something on the list, LOL ...seriously only I would find that interesting and try to cross reference it with other disorders to try and find a match.

P.S. I had a cake shake from Portillos yesterday. "Their cake shake brings all the fat to your hips and I'm like, Its worth every pound, damn right its worth every pound"  LOL

Nom nom nom....I might get another this weekend :)

My guest blog debut appearance!!

I was featured as a guest blogger http://www.thecanadianhousewife.ca/2014/04/guest-post-kates-story.html    for NIAW!!!

Check out my post and Jenn's blog!


In honor of some of my fellow IF'ers posting pictures of their "stashes" I thought I'd share mine too... do you have some time , because this may take awhile for you to browse through, LOL

To get our Jack Jack....   ( 2 IUI cycles preceded these IVF cycles, but I don't have pictures of the boxes of medication. Just add a mental picture of 10 Menopur boxes, LOL)

IVF #1-- July 2012

 

IVF 1.2- September 2012

IVF #2- November 2012

IVF #3- January 2013



Diagnostic testing w/new RE-----

Growth Hormone Stim test May 2013

Hooked up to an IV for four hours with blood draws every hour



IVF #4- June 2013

FET #1- August 2013

NIAW week 2014

Here we are at another NIAW week. For those that may be reading my blog not in the community, that stands for "National Infertility Awareness Week". Basically us in the IF community rally to bring awareness about infertility to those who may not have knowledge about it.

Last year I made a video to the song "Madness" by Muse. I was definitely overwhelmed with the multiple failed attempts at getting pregnant and saw our struggle as "madness". This year I'm a little jaded. I feel like I kicked IF's ass last year, I overcame, I succeeded....yet I lost the game anyways.

Not that the fears and concerns of those not on the other side are any less, I just feel like I'm in IF limbo. I can talk about the despair of having BFN after BFN...shot after shot.... vag cam after vag cam. I can also talk about the amazing feeling when you see that second pink line after putting up with all the shit that got you there. However, I can't talk about feeling my baby move (because he couldn't) or kicking me, or growing so big that my back hurt all the time. I can tell you about his arrival into this world but no one wants to hear that story...nor do I like to relive it.

How exactly does one go through the "madness" of infertility, only to do it again and have nothing to show for it? That is a question that leaves me baffled and a little unsure of my level of participation in this week. Other mothers who grieve the loss of their child, should they choose to TTC again, can just up and start TTC when they're ready. For us? Its not that simple. We've been trying to get back into TTC again for over a month and we're not even close to having my RE put me back on the daily injections again. Now THIS truly is "madness" in its finest form.

Today is also Easter....it also should be 37 weeks for me and Jack....countdown to EDD. On such a religious holiday I have to wonder..



What did I ever do to deserve this fate? Was I not nice enough to those around me? Too jealous of those pregnant easily? Did I not go to enough god awful baby showers? Or maybe I was just too complacent with the fact that after my long and difficult struggle with infertility that it was just my turn and he needed to show me that nothing is a given?

Especially after being a part of the loss mom community for nearly four months now, I've learned that nothing is a given. Plus, babies die too not just adults....its actually more common than I ever would have imagined. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean your baby is born healthy and breathing. Just because you have a baby born healthy and breathing doesn't mean they stay that way. Just because they stay that way doesn't mean they can't get sick as a child. Nothing....nothing at all is a given. I've also been thinking a lot of my friend that passed away in August. I think a lot about her mother who raised her and loved her for almost 32 years before having her taken away in the blink of an eye. There is nothing fair with that either...its senseless and unfair. Life huh? What a crock of shit it is sometimes.

Granted, as bitter and mad at the world that I am, I am trying to find light in the darkness. While I don't intend for this house to be quiet of the sound of children forever, I'm really really REALLLLLLY enjoying it now. I read at night on the couch with the TV off....I drink my coffee and coupon on the weekends.... I enjoy spending time (when his schedule permits) with my husband on random and last minute vacations. These are things we may not have quite as easily once baby #2 arrives (hopefully to stay awhile).




I also have a belated FFFC   (flame free Friday confession)--
People that make their profile picture on Facebook of their kid?? I'm confused... Isn't the profile pic supposed to be YOU???   So that people know who YOU are and what YOU look like??? I guess I must have missed the memo on that one. I guess if its supposed to be something youre proud of, I should take a pic of the toilet after one of my smoothies, LOL hey all, healthy colon over here awww yeah, Dr. Oz (the real one) would be so proud of me :::sniff sniff:::: LOL



Beta.... beta....beta??

Yup, still positive. Are we surprised? All those months and years I prayed for a positive beta and here I am praying for one that's negative. Ain't that a kick in the ass!

So.... two weeks ago it was 9.64 and as of yesterday it was 10.9!  The nurse won't say what she thinks, only that since its positive we have to continue to test. So... I supposed its possible I'm having chemicals? I mean, why not right? Obviously given my history of IVF cycles,  I produce crappy eggs so it would only make sense that the eggs that would be produced on their own (should that be whats happening) are craptastical as well!!!  I just like the idea that my body is doing something it should...regardless of it not resulting in a healthy pregnancy. I'm going with that...I almost want to put two c/p's on my bump siggy, LOL

At any rate, back next week for another beta and this time they're sending it to a new lab. This one has a different array so they're hopeful this new lab will give me a negative beta reading. Hope they're right!!  Since I need a negative before having the hysteroscopy I'm out for May's cycle and will be looking at June for the earliest possible transfer. Fine with me, whatevs at this point.

Tell ya what though.... no more DTD at the end of the month. That's around the time I get into trouble, LOL

From "Waking Up In" to "Leaving" Las Vegas

https://katespage.shutterfly.com/7692


Here is a link to our pictures. It was an amazing vacation and just what we needed to get away from all the stress around here. Highlight? Meeting Mario Lopez, LOL Some people thought I meant at the wax museum but no, in person, real life. I touched him, LOL Not exactly sure how I weaseled my way behind the roped area he was in but I vaguely remember singing "Saved By The Bell's" theme song, LOL

Anywho...back to reality tomorrow with yet another beta. Ugh...it will be a long day since I have the beta in the morning, right to work, then I have a meeting right after so nice "Welcome back".

I need this vacation so bad!!! BFP but not so much warning

I've been singing "Waking Up In Vegas" all day today and I'm so excited to be able to get out of town for the weekend and get a few days off work to chillax!!!

Let me tell you about my newest reason for needing this vacation...

Since I've been curious about what's going on in my body since my debacle with the hysteroscopy and my betas last month, I had decided to pee on the OPK.... as previously posted. So, you would also know that I got a really close to positive on Friday the 28th. Just for fun I plugged some things into FF and it said that most likely O occurred and it occurred on the 29th/Saturday.

Also just for fun, since I have a bagillion Wondfos now, I decided to start peeing on the pregnancy tests. I figured if nothing else it would reassure me that my hcg was low enough to not be detected. BFN for a few mornings until.... a shady little effer appeared yesterday morning. I'm just assuming I'm crazy so I texted it to a friend who said either she was crazy with me or there was a line. Hmmm... so all day long I struggled to actually work until I was able to leave and run to CVS for a FRER. Finally the moment arrived...

                                                

 

Uh, yeah... thats a positive FRER we got right there...

 

This wasn't even FMU or concentrated but BAMMM, BFP in my face. If you're a seasoned pee stick photographer like I am you'll know that this line was a lot darker in person but they just don't photograph well.

 

Ok, ok, I started thinking.... really? seriously? Is this for real??  Surprisingly I slept well last night even though I wanted to POAS again today. When I woke up, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't pee on another stick again this is insane.

 

 

While I mulled it over most of the day, I finally decided to give my RE's office a call and talk to a nurse. When I explained the situation to the nurse that picked up, I asked her first of all can I even ovulate with hcg in my system. She said and I quote, "Anything is possible". Hmmm, ok. Then I asked her if this could be a retained tissue problem that's flared up again (since I had one of these "flare ups" 28 days ago, LOL) she very quickly said, "Oh, no...no that wouldn't happen". Ok then.... how about the FRER picking up my old hcg? She didn't think that was likely either since 8 days prior to my positive the hcg was only 9.64 which to start isn't high enough for it to be detected plus it should have gone done a bit more in the last week.  Soooo.... is this a pregnancy? This question was the only one not definitely answered, I got a "We have to wait and see what your next beta is" as my response.

 

 

I just think that its reaaaaaaaally strange that last month my hcg was positive...doubled....then slowly started going down. It didn't jump up and down it just was going down. Then, I get a pretty close positive OPK (despite the lowering hcg levels, the OPK got darker) and then 12 days later I get a positive FRER. Not only did I have the positive FRER but I also feel like crap and like I'm getting AF.... see my last post.

 

 

After work, against my better judgment I took another FRER with the same parameters as last night.... after work not concentrated pee and its now fading away...

 

Is this chemical #1? Is this chemical #2? Is this one of the situations that my RE's nurse seems to exist other than pregnancy but wont tell me about, LOL?

So this is why I'm more than happy we're leaving in the morning. It will be hard to think about betas and FRERs when I'm in 90 degree weather on the strip!!!



No, no AF ...you stay put

Of course with a nice weekend getaway on the horizon, I'm feeling like AF is coming. The handful of times she has come on her own without Provera, I'm going to be really pissed if she pops in for a visit this weekend. My face is breaking out, my back hurts, and I have a hormonal headache.

AF is a mystery to me, one that I greatly appreciate when it happens on its own. Hopefully if my body has a surprise in store for me this month ....it waits until the 15th!!!  LOL

Getting healthy

Since we lost Jack, I've made it a promise to myself that I would get as healthy as possible before getting pregnant again. Obviously we don't have answers for what caused the preeclampsia so of course I'm trying to cross off any reasons that may give it cause to come back a second time around. Having good nutrition is one thing I have complete control over...my weight also goes hand in hand with this although as we all know, its not quite as easy to control weight.

At any rate, my pre-pregnancy weight came back immediately after Jack was gone. It was really confusing and upsetting how my body can betray me again like that. I knew right then that I never wanted to see that weight again. It was the best I could do before getting pregnant with Jack but it was far heavier than I wanted to be, plus those three numbers put together now just remind me of him.

In February, I started actually putting effort into healthy eating and weight loss  and I'm proud to say that I've dropped 7.5 lbs since then which puts me only 1 lb. away from both my wedding weight and within a healthy BMI range (albeit the highest possible number in the range, but still!) .

We still have some time before trying another FET so I'm very excited about this challenge to drop some more weight. It was the BEST feeling the other night when I tried on my skinny jeans that have been packed away for years ....and they fit!!!  And, on top of that, its always nice to come out of winter and actually still fit into last Summer's clothes (and have them be a little big!!!).

If this is the only thing I can do for myself to know I'm doing all I can for a healthy baby , then bring it on!!!  Should we have another loss then I at least wont be down on myself for not doing this much at least to help.

In a box in the basement...

is where you will find all the clothes I bought for Jack.

Surprisingly not difficult at all to take them out of "his" closet, only until I was at Target buying containers for them did it hit me.

I'm buying Rubbermaid containers to put away my dead son's clothes.

The mother screaming at her daughter to "shut up" while I was trying to decide which container would be big enough for the two overstuffed garbage bags full of clothes I had? Didn't help...

After finding a suitable container, I decided to look for some paintings or canvas prints to hang in the new mancave. Why, oh why, do they have kids room paintings in the same aisle. Of course there was a "would have been perfect for Jack's nursery" elephant print there.

Time to leave...

I went next door to Michaels to look for a laminating machine so that I can make cards to attach to balloons for Jack's EDD. Can you believe its $80!!!  Forget it!!!   I found a little sticker maker machine for $25 so I bought that and will make decals/stickers to attach instead. When I was making my way to the register, the timing was perfect for a little blonde haired blue eyed girl trying to hand her mother a plastic flower....and me turning a corner....to have her accidentally say "Mommy..." and hold out the flower yet have me standing there instead. Honestly, I don't know how I made it out of the store without making a scene.

Today was just a really rough day.... especially later on when I boxed up the clothes that were taken off the hangers earlier. Taking them out of the closet wasn't painful but putting them in a box...in the basement...hearing the snap on the lid.... sounds pretty permanent. I know they're just clothes but I feel like I put a lid on the story of Jack and that makes me feel awful. Obviously that's not true but it felt so final like nothing in this house is his anymore. We took away his room. We took away his clothes. What next? The crib/rocker? At least those will stay in the house....if not for Jack then maybe for his brother or sister when they arrive.

My 300th Post

My 100th Post-
http://whereisbabypayne.blogspot.com/2012/12/we-have-bleeder.html


My 200th Post-
http://whereisbabypayne.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-200th-postnope-still-infertility.html


And today, my friends is my 300th Post. This blog has been live since October 2011... 2.5 years of my life spent sharing my inner most thoughts, fears, and feelings with you all. Thank you to all my loyal readers , knowing people are out there reading keeps me blogging which helps me heal.


Much like my 200th post , its kinda being wasted since I don't have much to say today!  Its finally the weekend again and I'm so happy for some time off work. Less than a week we'll be on the strip...ahhhh, I'm sooooo looking forward to a vacation. We totally need one!!

So that's all for today... thanks for reading :)

Jack's room

On September 11, 2012 we bought this house. That means next weekend will be one year and six months we've lived here.

Out of that time, our 3rd bedroom has been empty. I mean empty. I had thought about turning it into something to occupy the space until a baby came...maybe a craft room, a yoga/zen room, a music room,something anything to not see white walls and carpet with nothing in between.

When Jack was discovered to be a boy I picked out a paint color for his room, "Jubilee" it was called. From what the paint swatch looked to be, it was a gray with hints of blue. That was perfect for the aquamarine and gray theme elephants I had in mind for his nursery. So we bought the paint and Jim was going to start getting to work on it when we got back from our cruise. We all know how that ends.

Jim and I went back and forth over what to do with the paint. Originally I wanted to save it and use it in a nursery in the future. Regardless of boy or girl I could work with gray paint. Awhile ago though, I just came to the decision that I'm tired of looking at this empty room. I'm tired of some days not even being able to leave its door open. I'm tired of seeing one blue wall that the bank never painted over, and remembering the day I saw this house thinking "This will be our nursery and we'll have a boy"....because it came true, he just never got to come home to see it.


Well.... today.... Jim painted Jack's room "Jubilee" however, its no longer Jack's room, its now the new mancave (well it will be once the paint dries).

Cathartic really.

Now, maybe...just maybe, I can leave the new empty room's door open because I still see it as the mancave. Yes, its still empty but its no longer Jack's room that is empty now and anytime I lay on the couch and watch TV , I can feel like I'm closer to Jack since I'm technically in "his room".

Oh, and by the way.... so glad we decided not to save the "Jubilee" for a future nursery. I honestly don't like it, LOL. Its way more blue than gray and would have been disappointed to have it as the wall colors for Jack or any future baby. Guess one thing worked out in our favor for a change!

Here is the soon to be new mancave....

Oh yeah, another beta yesterday...

It looks as though I didn't update on this. Well... it had been a week since my last beta which was 11. I was pretty sure it would be zero or close to it by then. Nope... its now 9.64.

The nurse said "Well it just wont go down to zero will it?"....ummm, NO! apparently it wont genius!!

Ok, so about hcg levels and using OPK. I do understand that the OPK picks up LH, which is similar in structure to HCG. This infertile ain't a dope , trust me. However, my HCG is super low and as I understand it, the OPK would also function as a HPT when your hcg is elevated. Case in point.... I've also been taking my Wondfo pregnancy tests just to be sure and they've been most definitely negative. I know a negative test when I see one, since I've been looking at them for years.

From what I gather from my online research, you can still ovulate with some hcg left in your system as long as its not very high. Considering the fact that my beta was 11 when I started the OPKs, it got darker, and then got lighter as it would normally... but the hcg is going down.... I'm assuming that the second line was not related to any hcg in my system.

Ok, so now I guess we just hang out and wait and see. I joked to Jim that I'm planning on having another "spontaneous pregnancy" to really confuse the hell out of the RE's staff. Would be funny though if it happened!!

At any rate, they said I should come back in either 1-2 weeks. Since I'm not sure what exactly happened with the OPK, I opted for the two week mark when we get back from Vegas. If strangely enough that OPK detected an actual downslide of an LH surge and I popped an egg...then I would like to give it enough time to have a decent beta should it have worked on its own.

If not, well no harm no foul I'm not in a hurry to have a hysteroscopy really anyways.

Matter of fact, I'm not really in a hurry to be pregnant either so why rush to get this FET underway. At this point, I just want the baby I don't want to be pregnant. Ooooh....like in Superman or the Matrix. Yes, that's what I want. I want to have a baby grown in a big pod and then when its ready to be poked, I can go to the pod factory and pick it up!!!  Love this...why aren't we funding research for this?!? 

How I Met Your (Step) Mother.... Series Finale Review

***Spoiler alerts... if you haven't watched it yet and plan to, don't read this blog post ****








Ok... now that we've got THAT out of the way...




How I Met Your Mother.... or as I've renamed it,  How I Met Your Step-Mother.

This show has been my #1 top favorite show since its very first episode (although I originally started out on Netflix to catch up) . Lets take a trip down memory lane to "How Kate Met Ted's Kids' Mother" back in Winter of 2008.

My ex loved this show...so I was hesitant to start watching it, because I hated him. With a passion. I had just lost my job, realized how toxic he was for me, packed my shit up and had my parents come get me one very chilly January day in 2008. Unfortunately, I was homeless as I had rented out my condo before moving in with him. So, at 26 years old I had quickly gone from an awesome paying job, living with my supposed future husband to single, unemployed, and living back at my parents house. How could things be worse I used to think to myself.

At any rate, I was able to find a bunch of little part time jobs and babysitting gigs to earn enough cash to at least make my car payments. In my spare time, which wasn't much, I started watching HIMYM on Netflix. I laughed so hard that my mother could hear me two floors under my bedroom and often times would come upstairs just to see "what was so funny".

Over the years, I always looked forward to catching up on my shows on the DVR especially this one because I knew no matter how crappy a day I was having, this show would ALWAYS make me laugh and forget my worries.

The last season of this show, I have to admit, I constantly felt was a major let down. I felt like the flash forwards they were doing to Lily and Marshall with their perfect boy and girl in Rome, and Ted and his wife rushing off to the hospital to have their perfect little one.... just felt like the producers weren't really capturing real life and making the show way too icky sweet.

While I was watching the last and final episode of my once favorite show I had the same feelings I've been having the entire season. I felt it was too icky, too perfect, too not real at all. Most of the show (since it was on DVR) was fast forwarded and at the end I literally screamed in anger and threw the remote.

However.... today, I think I may have had second thoughts of my opinions. Well, most of them...

People have babies and fall off the face of the earth to their friends
People get divorced and hate each other.
People die.
People get remarried.
People are successful.
People are failures.
People are people.

Maybe this last episode captured life in an hour without me even realizing it.

Kudos producers. Kudos.