NIAW week 2014

Here we are at another NIAW week. For those that may be reading my blog not in the community, that stands for "National Infertility Awareness Week". Basically us in the IF community rally to bring awareness about infertility to those who may not have knowledge about it.

Last year I made a video to the song "Madness" by Muse. I was definitely overwhelmed with the multiple failed attempts at getting pregnant and saw our struggle as "madness". This year I'm a little jaded. I feel like I kicked IF's ass last year, I overcame, I succeeded....yet I lost the game anyways.

Not that the fears and concerns of those not on the other side are any less, I just feel like I'm in IF limbo. I can talk about the despair of having BFN after BFN...shot after shot.... vag cam after vag cam. I can also talk about the amazing feeling when you see that second pink line after putting up with all the shit that got you there. However, I can't talk about feeling my baby move (because he couldn't) or kicking me, or growing so big that my back hurt all the time. I can tell you about his arrival into this world but no one wants to hear that story...nor do I like to relive it.

How exactly does one go through the "madness" of infertility, only to do it again and have nothing to show for it? That is a question that leaves me baffled and a little unsure of my level of participation in this week. Other mothers who grieve the loss of their child, should they choose to TTC again, can just up and start TTC when they're ready. For us? Its not that simple. We've been trying to get back into TTC again for over a month and we're not even close to having my RE put me back on the daily injections again. Now THIS truly is "madness" in its finest form.

Today is also Easter....it also should be 37 weeks for me and Jack....countdown to EDD. On such a religious holiday I have to wonder..



What did I ever do to deserve this fate? Was I not nice enough to those around me? Too jealous of those pregnant easily? Did I not go to enough god awful baby showers? Or maybe I was just too complacent with the fact that after my long and difficult struggle with infertility that it was just my turn and he needed to show me that nothing is a given?

Especially after being a part of the loss mom community for nearly four months now, I've learned that nothing is a given. Plus, babies die too not just adults....its actually more common than I ever would have imagined. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean your baby is born healthy and breathing. Just because you have a baby born healthy and breathing doesn't mean they stay that way. Just because they stay that way doesn't mean they can't get sick as a child. Nothing....nothing at all is a given. I've also been thinking a lot of my friend that passed away in August. I think a lot about her mother who raised her and loved her for almost 32 years before having her taken away in the blink of an eye. There is nothing fair with that either...its senseless and unfair. Life huh? What a crock of shit it is sometimes.

Granted, as bitter and mad at the world that I am, I am trying to find light in the darkness. While I don't intend for this house to be quiet of the sound of children forever, I'm really really REALLLLLLY enjoying it now. I read at night on the couch with the TV off....I drink my coffee and coupon on the weekends.... I enjoy spending time (when his schedule permits) with my husband on random and last minute vacations. These are things we may not have quite as easily once baby #2 arrives (hopefully to stay awhile).




I also have a belated FFFC   (flame free Friday confession)--
People that make their profile picture on Facebook of their kid?? I'm confused... Isn't the profile pic supposed to be YOU???   So that people know who YOU are and what YOU look like??? I guess I must have missed the memo on that one. I guess if its supposed to be something youre proud of, I should take a pic of the toilet after one of my smoothies, LOL hey all, healthy colon over here awww yeah, Dr. Oz (the real one) would be so proud of me :::sniff sniff:::: LOL