Resolve just recently posted a link to an article about being pregnant after infertility. I think I'm going to send them a message to ask what about those who experience a loss after infertility, what then? Most women can wake up next to their husband one day and say "Hey , lets have a baby" and poof it happens. For others, such as myself, it takes a lot of emotional and physical determination to make this happen. So what do you do when your dream that came true suddenly became your worst nightmare?
For me, being pregnant after infertility was a piece of cake. I had no fear, no worry, no anxiety over twitches or cramps. I truly believed that I had been given such an amazing gift that I fought so hard for, there would be no way it could ever be taken away from me. For 19 out of 20 of those weeks I enjoyed being the normal pregnant woman that I was.
Then suddenly I found myself faced with the worst possible scenario ever imaginable. Admitted to the hospital, lying in bed and just praying they wouldn't find a heartbeat so I wouldn't have to make a decision about terminating my child's life or carrying a child that wouldn't survive. Having that decision made for me and causing my own health to be in serious danger as well. Forcing family to feel guilty about getting me baby related items for Christmas gifts.
There is no going back to normal now. This is beyond life after infertility....
I'm afraid to be pregnant again. I'm going to pursue it, but I'm so scared. What if it takes another two years to get pregnant only to lose that baby as well. What if next time we both die? That is a definite step up from the fears of being pregnant after infertility yet no one speaks to that.
Because of all these issues I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in my usual means of support and feel a little lost. Those who have been supportive during my infertility treatments just don't get it....who would? My long time friends are compassionate but they don't get it either. Everything that people say is the wrong thing and I hate being ((hugged)) this much.
In other words, this puts me into a true limbo state of trying to get pregnant again.
If/when I'm pregnant again I'm afraid I'll miss out on the "fun" things of pregnancy that I had with Jack. I'm scared to take bump pictures, admitting I'm pregnant to friends and family, having a baby shower, setting up a nursery, taking maternity photos. I fear that our second child will hate me for seemingly loving Jack more than them.
How do you recover from this? Loss after Infertility...a whole new beast.
I can't even begin to understand everything you are going through, so I can't begin to even try to speak to most of it. But I do feel you don't have to worry about your second child hating you for anything. You will love him or her completely, because that's what moms do...you love each of your children completely with your whole heart. A second child doesn't diminish the first, nordoes the first diminish the love for the second. Because you will so completely love your second child, they will not hate you for anything you do or don't do throughout your next pregnancy. I'm sure nothing I can say can even begin to allay any of your fears and concerns, but I hope you can worry even a little less about that part.
ReplyDeleteI think about you often, Kate. I think about the child that we lost and then multiply it by 1000 to even begin to understand what you have gone through. I think about that horrible woman next to you in the triage room that night. I think about your strength to be so candid.
ReplyDeleteWith that being said, I'm not going to (virtually) hug you. Fight. Fight your heart out. Fight your ass off. Fight with the heart that brought Jack into to your life. Ohhhhhh, Kelly Clarkson! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!
x (no "o")