I'm feeling a little manic these days. One minute I'm fine the next I'm bawling. Little things will set me off to where I can't get myself together. I spent the better part of last night in a near breakdown mode all for something stupid.... it was something to get upset about sure, but not to that degree.
Today was supposed to be an errand day and I'm failing at getting myself in the shower and leaving the house. I ran a full bathtub of water....stared at it and ended up draining it and going downstairs to have some Cookie Crisp instead. I should be leaving soon for my cousin's birthday party and so I guess I'll be going to the party in my pajamas. I'm sure that my family understands, but still.
Tomorrow should have been 24 weeks. V-day aka viability day. I fear that each weekend is just going to give me something new to cry over. Its an unrelenting cycle. Utterly depressed on the weekend, a little better Monday when I go back to work, feeling good by the time Friday rolls around, then repeat. When does this end? I know I'm not going to ever not be sad about this but I just want my life back. No more terrible headaches, no more cramping, no more bleeding, no more crying on the expressway coming home from work.
The part that makes me say I'm manic is that interspersed in between my sorrow are moments of wanting to try this again. I'm feeling like I'm mourning two things, the loss of my baby and the loss of being able to be a parent. If I can't have the first then maybe someday I can have the second. Daydreaming about being a mommy again makes me feel guilty though. Guilty that I'm leaving Jack behind and that I'm not being a good mommy to him that I can forget about him so soon.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. In sure all the emotions you describe are normal. What about the work week makes it easier? Being busy? Being around people? Perhaps if you can identify that then you can add some of that to your weekends. But I am also a proponent of taking time to just be sad.
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