Ferris Wheel stops here...

I've been equating my grief to a ferris wheel the past six weeks. Starting on the weekend, mostly Sunday/Monday is when I've felt the worst. Rightfully so... Sunday is my ticker change when the gestational age would have increased a week. Monday was the day we lost Jack. Between Tuesday and the next Sunday its like a ferris wheel that goes up and around until it comes full circle back to its lowest point on Sunday and we start all over again. I just start feeling good and its the weekend again.

Through talking to a grief counselor I've come to notice there are other triggers that are making this process difficult. I've been trapped inside on these weekends because of the weather which is only adding to my anxiety. I want to get out and keep busy but I cant and have to sit and stew.

I've mainly had a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this.... People that I thought would have reached out to show emotional support haven't really been around and those who I wouldn't expect it from have. Even to just send a sympathy card or send me a text to say I'm so sorry. Don't get me wrong, we did receive a lot of support in general but it was surprising where it came from. Some aspects of it was really starting to bother me and I think that made things worse when I just have nothing to do but sit on the internet in the quiet of my living room. However, I'm starting to realize that I already know who really cares about me, Jim and Jack. And I can't keep spending time over stupid bullshit wondering if people really do care about our loss and if Jack is being forgotten because its driving me insane. The ferris wheel stops here.

Sure, there are going to be days where I'm overcome with my grief but I'll be damned if I let that type of stuff fuel the fire. I need to be a functioning human being or everything else will fall apart...relationships, my job, etc. I miss my Jack so much with every passing day, its so hard and no one, NO ONE gets it. Period. I've accepted that much. All that matters is that Jim and I keep his memory alive, who gives a crap with everything else.

On a happy (ier) note ... I had my 6 week follow up appointment with my new OB/GYN. I've been cramping and bleeding free for the past week but it started up again last night. She says its my period. I doubt that , but ok whatever, she's the doctor not me. She also said she was pleased with my 126/84 pressure reading even though I've been off the medication completely for two nights, so unless it spikes again I'm done with medication.

She told me that physically I'm able to start trying again at the 3 month mark. Emotional wise, I'm not so sure but we'll see. It really depends on the results of Jack's autopsy, which I might add have STILL not come in yet. I called again today and was told they had an over abundance of still borns in the last month and they have been very busy with autopsy results. Just hearing that made me tear up. There are an over abundance of other moms out there just like me probably calling repeatedly trying to find out why their little babies died too. This just isn't fair.... I was teary for me but more so for them.

Basically I don't need to see her again until I'm pregnant again. She does have a few MFMs that she works with very closely. One of which was the hospital in which Jack was born. Bad memories for sure but at least they'd be familiar with my situation. I had an appointment with an MFM at Northwestern for next month, but I think I'll cancel it and stay with the other hospital. My new OB will probably have me coming in every other week starting from the beginning. So much for being a normal pregnant woman. At least Jack gave me 19 weeks of normalcy, thank you for that. Depending on how my 2nd pregnancy goes it may increase to weekly appointments sooner but she would play that by ear.

Also, to wrap up, literally, I bought a baby blanket in memory of Jack. I could use something soft and warm to cuddle with at night since Jim is working and I'm home alone. Plus, when Jack's sibling is born someday I can pass the blanket on to them. Here is a picture of it... I hope its as cute in person as it looks in the picture!!