Driving around town today I heard "Broken Wing" by Martina McBride. I normally crank this song because I love me some Martina, but today it made me think about how I as well seem to have a broken wing. Losing Jack clipped my ability to fly but even though I'm damaged I'm still singing and trying to learn to fly with broken wings.
Yesterday I heard back from my RE that my beta was finally negative. Its now at 2.76 which is good enough to move forward. They used the same sample from yesterday to run my E2, P4, and TSH today. Those all came back great (E2 was 46, P4 was .487, TSH was .9) so I'm starting the BCP tonight and have a Saline u/s on Tuesday. I guess my RE wanted to repeat it rather than do the hysteroscopy so I'm not going to argue, I just hope everything looks ok in there now that its had 2.5 months to sort itself out. Provided everything looks ok Tuesday, I should be set for a June FET.
I talked to the nurses earlier today about my labs but when I got home I saw they sent over the consent forms for my FET already and have created my flowchart on my patient portal. Oh god, this is really happening isn't it?
I'm a strange mix between excited out of my mind and freaked out out of my mind, I've never felt like this before. What if it doesnt work? What if it DOES work? Will I take a baby home this time? Will THAT baby die too? My heart can't handle another child leaving me so soon.... but I need to be an Earth Mom so bad that I'm willing to take that risk.
Speaking of risks, I decided to have the Counsyl test done afterall. I had the vial drawn last Thursday and it should be back in a week or so. I'm sure it wont show anything out of sorts but by chance it does at least I've got time and knowledge to decide if a fresh cycle w/PGD is warranted.
Oh life, its never easy and never cut and dry.
We can be cycle buddies and freak out together. I think even if we bring home a happy, healthy baby, we'll be the moms who freak out over every scratch and cough after all we've been through. Maybe that will end up being a good thing, though. Good luck with the Counsyl test. Lots of prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteYes I agree.... I'm actually quite afraid I'm going to turn my future child(ren) into reclusive weirdos because I'll be so afraid to let them out of my sight. I'll be like, "Oh I know you want to go ride your bike but....ummm, no, stay here with me instead" LOL
DeleteLol! You know we could be the exact opposite, too. Like oh its just a scraped knee? Crying = breathing so YOU'RE FINE. Have you watched Return to Zero yet? There's a line near end about being a better mother because of our losses. I hope the movie doctor is right.
DeleteHaha, that's true I never thought of it that way!!! No... I'm thinking of grabbing the leftover ice cream, the bottle of Moscato, and watching it tonight. We'll see...
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