32 Weeks

So, have you ever heard about how pregnant women cry for no reason? I always thought that was insane and made up. Apparently....its not. WTF.  This week has just been chock full of emotional insanity that I feel like I'm a different person at times. I don't cry! What's this?!?  It started during Superbowl....yes you'll agree that the commercials were depressing and who could blame me for crying. How, then, do you explain the full out bawling during the halftime show? Katy Perry doesn't usually bring on ugly tears, LOL

I've also, at times this week, been feeling those same uncontrollable moments that I had last year this time just after losing Jack. Just as I was wrong that getting past 20 weeks would make me less anxious in this pregnancy, so too was I wrong that getting past his birthday would make me stop grieving so fiercely. I have noticed though, not sure if its coincidence or just a moment of intuition, that its gotten worse since last weekend when the big snowstorm hit. Last year it snowed pretty much from November to April and by the time Spring came we could barely get the mail out of our box because the snow covered it. I spent my first few months after losing Jack also having to deal with driving and walking around in mounds of snow and sheets of ice (and had gotten in my first  of two accidents that I had last year alone....this one with a semi truck no less....in the snow and ice). Things that give me anxiety to begin with. I remember on MULTIPLE occasions trying to leave for work and out of nowhere having just an emotional breakdown and essentially temper tantrum because I couldn't bear the thought of getting in the car, driving 30 miles thinking I'm going to crash my car, then turning around 8 hours later to do the same in the dark.

Granted, its been well over a month since Jack's birthday and I had thought things were going well until this snow hit. All of a sudden I'm finding myself having the random outbursts again and I just want to stay in my house and hide under a rock until its end of March. Now, coupled with the snow/ice, I'm petrified that I'm going to fall and hurt Thomas. I don't care about myself (to a certain extent of course), I'm just so scared that I'm going to fall forward on my belly on a patch of ice and hurt him someone or force him to be born too soon. The worry of hurting this child, coupled with having lost his brother, coupled with I HATE WINTER, Its sometimes all just too much and boils over.

At any rate, I had two doctor appointments this week. Tuesday was my Endocrinologist. My sugar levels haven't been great so clearly as I progress in the pregnancy I'm becoming more insulin resistant. She increased my dose of Metformin so now I'm taking it twice a day. We're going to watch that for a while and see what happens but its seeming likely that I'll have to be put on insulin. Not exactly ideal but considering its me we're talking about , I wouldn't be surprised. I had a dream last night that I was at my cousin's house and they had donuts. I said "Screw this GD" and ate four donuts. Mmmmm donuts, LOL. I then reached for a bag of Doritos and my mom said "Don't give up". Then I woke up....weird.  :::SIGH:::   Ok Mom, always have to be my voice of reason even in my dreams huh?  Figures, lol.

Yesterday I was able to satisfy my craving for buffalo chicken strips with a GD friendly recipe. I also found this recipe for these "orange things" as I call them. Its just sugar free Jello with plain greek yogurt, microwaved, put into cupcake liners, and put in the fridge. So they're like orange gelatin things....pretty tasty though! And best part , I could eat the whole tray of thingys and only consume 15 carbs leaving me another 15 for a snack. No way anyone could eat the whole tray of them though they're really sweet!

Real quick...back to dreams, speaking of my "Screw GD" dream.... I keep having this reoccurring dream that I'm going in for another FET at 36 weeks. Yes, an FET ....while pregnant. Ha!  In my dream though it makes perfect sense and I can't understand why more people aren't doing it too! Also in my dream, I'm sure that since we always transfer two and one sticks that I'll be having twins at the end of March but I'm so happy I only have to carry the second one for 3 weeks instead of full term. WTF brain!  I think this one comes from my recent thoughts about how I wish that Jack and Thomas could be brothers on earth instead of earth and heaven separating them. Essentially, I have two babies and one of them I didn't carry nearly as long as the other. Maybe I'm becoming too "dream analyzy" but that's what I'm going with :)

On Friday, I had my regular OB appointment. The first of my now every two week appointments. I was supposed to have a NST done as well but since at my last appt. I finally convinced them they had my due date wrong, they realized they booked my for my first NST at 31+5 and not 32 exactly as it would have been with THEIR due date on record. So next week will start that. What I found out at the appointment though was that the MFM recommended my NSTs increase to twice a week after 34 weeks, so now my appointment schedule looks insane!!!  Between the NSTs weekly and biweekly, OB appointments every 2 weeks turning into weekly, the Endocrinologist and the MFM (whose appointments don't even come up on this list because its a separate system) this printout is crazy looking!! Considering there are only 7 weeks left in this pregnancy, that's a lot of appointments for one little baby! LOL

 

The appointment was a little frustrating because I really felt rushed through. It was with the OB that got me when I called the after hours number on New Years Day. I think that is just her personality. She was nice enough, don't get me wrong, just didn't seem to interested in answering many questions. And....I have a lot. The only thing I was able to ask her about was my concern about my weight. I had been the same weight since my appointment on November 25th but at that appointment last Friday, I had dropped 2lbs.  You hear about weight loss in pregnancy a lot but usually linked to HG or issues with morning sickness. Neither of which are an issue at this point. During my 1st trimester, even through the awful nausea and puking, I still managed to gain the weight I was supposed to. How? I don't know....maybe Lucky Charms really is lucky, because that's pretty much all I ate, LOL. Now though, I'm almost at the end of my pregnancy and I'm losing weight? Its supposedly common with GD but I thought that was when you first started the diet.....not 8 weeks later. The OB was less than helpful and pretty much told me that I just had to wait until my next growth scan to see if Thomas is still growing properly. Great, way to put me even more on edge this week! Thanks!

 

Saturday (yesterday) we had our maternity photos taken. Hopefully we'll have our sneak peek in the next few days but I think they came out really cute and I'm so excited!!  We have quite a few shots in there that incorporate Jack and Thomas together so I'm really excited about that. Jack missed out on so much that I'm happy at least we were able to give him an opportunity to be part of the maternity pictures too. Want your own sneak peek of what I looked like sort of yesterday? Here's 32 weeks.....a day later still wearing the same clothes, hair and makeup, LOL.....ugh, energy come find me now please!!!