The Rainbow Connection

Being raised in a Catholic home and having gone to Catholic schools from Kindergarten through senior year in High School, one would think that I have an excellent relationship with God.

Wrong.

My faith and beliefs were never something that I honestly put a lot of thought into until Jim and I decided to start a family. Granted, I was one of the "fortunate" ones who knew ahead of time of her infertility issues and was able to go straight to the Reproductive Endocrinologist instead of spending a year trying, but I honestly never thought that the past few years would have been my future at that first doctors appointment.

I distinctly remember going to the cafe at the major medical hospital and getting the biggest strongest cup of coffee I could buy with the change in my purse. I walked confidently into the doctor's office and when I was called back I proudly told her that I was drinking the last cup of coffee that I would drink for 9 months. Little did I know.... plus, yeah, coffee is ok to drink when pregnant. Everything in moderation.

Regardless, the years that followed made me question my religious upbringing more and more. If there is a God (or anyone out there) then why am I being put through this test? Why do others who want less get more? Work less and get more? I spend my days and nights wishing and hoping and praying yet my prayers aren't answered. I fought and fought and fought until finally my prayers were answered and there was my Jack.

Finally everything was right in the world. Jim and I went to Church on Sundays and we even asked the priest to bless us and our baby to keep us all safe. I wore the St. Gerard, Saint of Motherhood, medal every single day from the first day of my cycle until the day Jack was born. I prayed the prayer for Motherhood and thanked God at the end of every day for my Jack.

After all that, someone still took him him away from me. Why? For someone who already struggled with the "Whys" of their religion and beliefs, having their first baby die sure doesn't help. For the past 18 months I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with reasons why he couldn't stay. Then one day a few months ago, I read a blog post written by another loss mom called "Because of You" and finally I had a reason.

"He might have asked you, in the realm of pure souls, where the unborn and the dead are pure warmth and love, to prepare him a mom and dad. He might have asked that you teach us to stretch the limits of our patience, that we learn to be more in the moment, to surrender to what is. He might have asked that you teach us, in a way that we would never forget, that life, when it is gentle, when it is ferocious and unfair, is always a gift. How a baby, a tiny new life, is a miracle and a gift for eternity. He might have asked you to make sure we remembered we are blessed, even as we role our eyes when he cries, confused and frazzled, in the middle of the night."                        ~~  http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/05/because-of-you-2/ 

To think that Thomas and Jack sat up in heaven together and discussed making us the best parents we could be just warms my heart in no way that I can possibly explain. I know and am 100% certain that the person I was say 5 years ago could never come close to appreciating and loving Thomas the way I do now. If Jack needed to come to us to show us how fragile and important life is, than I thank him for being such an amazing son and great big brother to Thomas in paving the way for his little brother. Perhaps you might say that Thomas has healed any negative feelings I had about God and my religion. To think that my son is anywhere but a beautiful amazing place like Heaven is something that just can't be true. There has to be something and someone out there and if Jack came to me to make me a better mother to Thomas than I can forgive him for being taken away from me.

Sometimes when its quiet, Thomas and I sit in his nursery and just talk about Jack. Thomas has started smiling and laughing a lot over the last month or so. However, he smiles and laughs the most when we are in his nursery. I'd like to think that Jack hangs out in there to keep an eye out over his little brother and Thomas is laughing at his silly brother.

They truly have a "Rainbow Connection".