Baby Payne? More like, Where is Kate Payne?? LOL

Yes I've been MIA so very sorry loyal blog readers.

Its a combination of a lot of things which keeps me away from my blog. Mainly its work, but not entirely. I started a new job in February, so just a few months ago, and I'm really busy. They started me out with a simple position but have been giving me new jobs and projects to help with so I'm pretty tired by the time I leave. Last thing I want to do when I get home is blog, UGH! lol   :)

Next in line is MIGRAAAAAAAINES!!!!!!!!!  As if being stressed with work and tired from actually having to get up in the morning now (haha) wasn't enough, the last two weeks have been a constant stream of migraines. This is pretty similar to what happened to me last June which caused me to spend the month in darkness in my IL's basement. However, last year I was TTC and the Neurologist couldn't/wouldn't give me anything for the migraines. Basically I had to wait it out until I cycled again since they were hormonal. Once I started my IVF cycle in July they were pretty much gone.But now....one nice thing about being on an extended break? DRUGS!!!  Lots of them :)   Although I'm not sure what caused this migraine flood the past two weeks (hormonal, stress, weather, diet....all the above?) it wouldn't go away and the abortive drugs my neuro gave me in February now all of a sudden weren't working. What the holy hell.....so I was put on a 6 day course of steroids. I'm on the 4th day now and holy bageebus I'm like a new person. Sunday was THE most productive day I've had EVERRRRRRR!!!!  I want to be on steroids forever. I now understand the appeal. LOL

Finally last in line is my sheer and utter indifference to still not being pregnant. Some days I wake up and think I could be fine with the life I have now. Then I shake my head and it fizzles away to the reality that no, I wouldn't be fine with that. Then it turns into fear....what if I just have to figure out a way to BE fine with it? Can I do that? Am I going to be that bitter old hag everyone feels sorry for someday? Then it turns into anxiety....because I hate people talking about me behind my back. Then it turns into another migraine. LOL

Yesterday we went to Church. I thought it'd be ok since the last time we went was during our last cycle and I was sad so of course I was teary eyed. Since its been 3 months since our last BFN, I was really sure it'd be ok....until the parents with their babies all decided to sit around us. I started getting teary and lied and said I had a runny nose. I just stared at the ground the whole mass and was praying....praying the mass would end soon.


At any rate, I'm going to try and make a better effort to keep up my blog in my break down...I mean break time, LOL Maybe I can try to write at least once a week. I should have more stuff coming up since my stim test is coming up 2 weeks from now. That is another bone of contention...more on that later :)

Nice cliffhanger there huh? See, I know what I'm doing  ;)