Another year come and gone

Last year this time I was recently released from my second hospital stay. I was put on Procardia and was watching my blood pressure religiously to make sure it didn't spike again. On top of that, the freezer that we had in our garage broke and we lost all the food in there. Plus, Chesney ruptured an anal gland and had to have surgery. All the week after losing our first little baby.

It was a lot....hell, it was a load. Jim and I stayed home on NYE and watched the bad TV programming. He tried to kiss me at midnight but it was hard to kiss him back through all the tears. I remember the TV show we had on was playing "Timber" by Ke$ha and to this day I cant listen to that song because its so haunting.

The year progressed and so did my ability to cope with the situation. Don't get me wrong, I still find that at least one thing a day will trigger me into a full out sob, and every single day I think about my Jack and wish he were here, but I think we're settling into our "new normal". The normal where we don't take anything or anyone for granted, we understand how precious time is for all of us, we don't assume things will go our way , instead just hope for the best.

Having these new mantras makes it very difficult to be pregnant again and what most people don't really understand though, is that living this way is completely exhausting. Trying to get psyched about a new baby when you have first hand knowledge that just because you make it past 1st trimester doesn't mean your baby comes home is terrifying on a daily basis. The loss community is a wonderful place for support for us moms but on the downside, you learn about all the other things that have happened to babies and a whole new set of fears get added to your list. Is he not moving enough? He is moving TOO much? Am I leaking fluid or did I pee myself? Is this a cramp or preterm labor? Why am I still sick? Why am I NOT sick today? Oh, what I wouldn't give for the "I threw up today...this sucks" complaint and be done with it. Its easy for people on the other side to say things on the contrary  or think that you've completely gone insane, but until you've lived in a loss mom's shoes (especially one who is pregnant again) you will have no. idea. whatsoever.

However, the one thing that I've learned in 2014 to appreciate though, is that ....it could always be worse. My situation is tough and tricky but there are others with far more problems and ailments or a scarier and more awful story. While its not the easiest thing to do to take all the sorrow and bad luck and keep a smile on my face, lie and say "I'm fine" when people ask how I am, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it. Seems like every corner I turn there is something more that's added to my list of woes but its starting to make me laugh. I thought that after losing Jack and, if circumstances were different, possible losing my own life, I'd be exempt from pregnancy ailments. I thought I was due for an easy peasy pregnancy. I did actually WANT to be sick...that much I prayed for and expected....as a sign that life was continuing on as it should inside me. However, an easy peasy pregnancy is quite the opposite from what I was given. As the saying goes, "God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers".  The more and more I think about it, maybe I need to not fight it but rather accept the challenge. I think that as long as Thomas arrives and is breathing and healthy.... his delivery doesn't kill me or make me extremely ill..... my husband, friends and family keep their health... we still have jobs to afford the roof over our heads.....we should be ok in 2015. 

Bring it 2015. I'm waiting for you.