My storm hasn't run out of rain yet

Nothing worse....I'm telling you, NOTHING worse than having to wake up at 5am to get a beta done that you know is negative.

Last night, I took just one more FRER just in case but if course BFN still. Matter of fact , some of my AF got on the stick so when I set it down to watch it I had a good laugh. I have AF clearly and I'm so delusional that I'm still POAS. Hmmm, issues. Anywho, I kept thinking one had to stick at least this wasn't AF it was blast #2....but those are things you eat about on the message boards posted by people if you don't even know if they exist. Not me.

This morning I thought I was ok. I kept it together on the drive to Naperville. Got a little teary eyed stepping out of the car....and lost it when I realized it was raining.

How poetically pathetic.

My IF theme song is Gary Allen's "Every Storm Runs Out of Rain". Clearly this is a sign from God/whoever is up there that my storm has more raining to do.

Cue the hyperventilation....while crossing the street.

At least my lab techs at Northwestern knew what to expect from me when I walked in crying. After three negative betas there, I think they were always secretly hoping I'd come in one time with a smile. Nope. However, this is a new clinic so this lab tech was a little alarmed that I sat down and wasn't really even able to tell him my name. He tried explaining how they had to draw the beta to show the insurance company that this was a negative cycle. Oh really? They're more than welcome to check out my bathroom garbage can for proof!!!

At any rate, I drafted a long email for my RE with lots of questions. I'd like to know if he suggests PGD on the frozen blasts. I also want to know what the FET process is and how soon I can start it. Well I took too long an the portal kicked me out. I figured NBD , ill ask the nurse some of these questions when I'm there tomorrow rather than waiting for my beta call. However, I was there for beta at 6:40 and they didn't come in until 7am. Great.

So now I'm on my way to work. I think ill have to tell my boss I need to go home early. I'm not going to be much help in this state of mind today. Although, the week itself probably isn't going to be much better.

To make this week even better...my BIL is getting married Sunday and all the out of state family are slowly starting to come to town throughout the week. Hopefully no one takes it the wrong way when I don't want to see anyone. I just want to be alone.... If there was a way out of the wedding itself is skip that too. Unfortunately there isn't, so I'm hopeful that by Sunday I can at least have some energy to comb my hair and put some makeup on....which is more than I can say for myself today!