Well you probably guessed by my posting on Monday.....I survived the weekend.....barely.
Saturday morning was a bright and early start to my Resolve meeting. I always look forward to my monthly meetings because I really enjoy spending a few hours with my IF friends. This month in particular I really was looking forward to it. The prior week was so unbelievably stressful I really just wanted to talk to my group, I knew that would make me feel better. It was the first time I cried while giving my monthly update....I guess that's a good indication on how bottled up I've been feeling. Basically , I think that the main reason I've been having such a difficult time with this failed cycle is that I don't have time to process the failure in the way that I'm used to. In the past, I've been able to spend a few days in my pjs and shower if I felt like it and just wallow. This time I'm working and I have to be there and look presentable day in and day out and I haven't been able to wallow. This isn't really working for me because when I'm alone with my thoughts it comes out ten fold. Whats worse.....it came out during Church for my BIL's wedding on Sunday. I'll come back to that lets finish out the Saturday part of the weekend.
My friend cancelled her Bachelorette Party. Although I really was looking forward to celebrating her upcoming wedding, I was happy to have a quiet night. We ended up going to lunch/early dinner with Jim's relatives from New Orleans then hanging out at my IL's house and ended the night with some Scrabble by moonlight :)
Ok so back to the wedding. I lost it during Church. Literally, I lost it. I always get teary eyed in Church because I feel a little left behind. Plus, my new SIL has a lot of kids in her family. Well, it sure as hell didn't make matters worse that the priest kept repeatedly saying things about family and children and getting through tough times yadda yadda yadda. As the mass went on, thoughts came pouring through my head so fast I couldn't even process them. All I can remember thinking was....I have a satisfying marriage and I don't have children. I think its rude to tell them they're only going to have a good marriage when they have children and a family. I HAVE family....me, Jim and Chesney. If thats all we get, I'm not going to love him any less. That's a crock of shit. I felt like screaming in the middle of mass to shut up. I guess its bad when you feel like yelling at a priest. Sorry God :/
I had originally planned on sitting in the back but ended up sitting by my husbands' relatives. At that point , I had wished I was sitting in the back afterall. I tried to stifle my tears, which turned into hyperventilating, which turned into feeling like I was going to pass out. I'm not sure what the family thinks was going on with me....I mean, its one thing to be teary eyed like "Awww marriage what a beautiful thing" its a completely different thing to be bawling like you're at a funeral. I rolled my eyes at the end with the marriage blessing and I think the priest saw me because he made a face, LOL oops.
It doesn't help that my face is all breaking out because of the stupid birth control pills I have to be on for my frozen transfer next month.... I'm not exactly in the best of moods.
Too bad I have to wait until next Sunday to get some good old fashioned processing in. I plan on couponing, drinking a few cups of coffee, and just sobbing. Sounds like a great day.
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